


A Week To Realise

by Lyli



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Adulthood, Angst, Multi, takes place after High School
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-18
Updated: 2015-08-18
Packaged: 2018-03-31 05:00:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3965341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lyli/pseuds/Lyli
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tsukishima always thought he would not care about anyone but himself after High School. He was wrong. He gave Yamaguchi a week.</p><p>Yamaguchi is more than happy with that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Night of Many Questions

**Author's Note:**

> Hey. I've wanted to write this for a long time and, as usual, it went in a different direction than i expected.  
> I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable so warning for this chapter: slight homophobia/heteronormativity mentions.
> 
> Hope you enjoy it.

Tsukishima Kei knew since Middle School that he would be a successful kid, and this feeling became stronger in High School. Not the most successful kid, of course, that would be impossible, but one of the best. He was good at studying, he could easily get good grades and it made Hinata Shouyou mad for nearly three years straight. He was the only member to quit the Karasuno’s Volleyball Club by the end of the third year, the three other wanting to fight for victory until the end. Tsukishima had other plans in mind and he wanted to be sure to pass College entrance exams. He had planned to go to a medicine faculty in order to become a surgeon, it was not easy but not too hard either. His mother seemed to be extremely pleased by this. “For once, you are not aiming for average Kei-kun!” But she was wrong. It was average considering he should have tried to make it while still playing in the volleyball club. But he made a choice and starting from this moment he told himself that whatever the others would become, he would not care.

The others wished him good luck and teased him about being able to win the nationals without him. The nearly two-meter tall teenager was not offended a bit, he simply answered that he already knew they could.

 

As he expected, he passed the entrance exam and was allowed to the Tohoku University in Sendai. He kept in touch with the other guys for three years after moving to the campus but he had such big amount of work and studying that he gradually lost contact with everyone he used to know, including his brother whom he only saw during holidays. He saw them for the last time at the national inter high school volleyball tournament where their kouhai from Karasuno advanced to the final. According to Hinata, their fervent cheering helped them to get to the victory.

Afterwards, the four of them went out to drink and talk about their current lives. Well, at least, Hinata talked about his life, Kageyama commented on it and Tsukishima remained quiet until his childhood friend directly ask him.

“What about you Tsukki? How’s med school?”

“Oooh that’s right you went to Tohoku University! Well? How does it feel to be part of the national elite?” The orange haired boy added.

“Pretty great actually. Knowing that I’m, without a doubt, doing better than any of you.” He answered with a smug smile. He preferred hiding the fact that it was extremely difficult to keep up with the courses and that all his energy was drained from studying nonstop.

“Oi, cut that crap out. Hinata and I are attending to professional Volleyball clubs. That’s some next level shit for sure. And I’m going to exterminate him at the next tournament.” Kageyama retorted with a passionate expression.

“I won’t lose to you, Bakageyama!”

Kageyama flinched at the mention of the stupid nickname he was given in High School. Tsukishima couldn’t help but notice that the setter was a lot more talkative than before.

“Do you have a girlfriend, Kageyama?” the question slipped out his tongue without him noticing.

“W-what? How do you know?” he stuttered.

“I just do.”

“That’s Tsukki for you!”

“It’s been eight months.” Kageyama specified.

“I beat him on that one, I’ve been dating Hitoka for four years now.” Hinata proudly said.

“Oh, adorable.” Tsukishima added sarcastically.

“Shut up.” Hinata quickly turned his attention to Yamaguchi. “And you Yamaguchi, are you still g-urgh!”

Before Hinata could finish his sentence, Kageyama elbowed him so hard in the ribs that he almost fell off his chair. He managed to make the atmosphere awkward in a split second. Yamaguchi started wriggling on his chair. 

“Well…about that…yeah, I’m still gay.”

He had come out to them when they were still in high school and even if it was a surprise for everyone, Hinata was definitely the least tactful about it and he had stopped teasing him when he realised that not everyone was as open minded as he and his friends. For Tsukishima however, this was not that much of a surprise. He knew the boy the best, after all.

“Er…what he means is like…what about your life?”

“I’ve been seeking for a stable job at a warehouse for a while. Right now I’m unemployed.”

“Argh me too, I’ve searched for days for a summer job but I couldn’t find anything!” Hinata laughed.

“I won’t give up, though.”

“Of course!”

 

After a few more drinks, they left the bar in order to head home. Kageyama and Hinata parted ways first and soon, there were only Tsukishima and Yamaguchi walking together on the sidewalk in the dead of the night.

“Say, Tsukki…”

“What?”

“You’re going to your parents’ home, right?”

“Yes. It’s too late for me to go back to Sendai now.”

“Can I stay there too?”

Tsukishima looked at his friend’s face lit up by the lamppost.

“Can’t you go at yours?”

“I’d rather not. But if you can’t, it’s okay, I’m just…”

“It’s fine. Akiteru might be here but we probably still have a spare futon or something.”

“Thank, Tsukki. Thank you so much.” Yamaguchi muttered.

They arrived at Tsukishima’s house and entered quietly. Everyone seemed to be sleeping already. He slightly opened his brother’s old room door to see a big mass sprawled on the bed.

“My brother’s here.” He whispered closing the door and going toward his own room. He switched on the light and once they were inside, he closed the door. “He's still in College so he comes back every now and then.”

He opened his wardrobe to take out an old futon and set it on the floor next to his bed. He then started to undress as if nobody else was in the room and noticed Yamaguchi averting his eyes, he couldn’t help but smirk a little.

“Enjoying the view?”

Yamaguchi kept his eyes on the opposite wall and mumbled awkwardly. “Shut up…”

“Hmm.” Tsukishima put some shorts on as pyjamas and threw an old shirt at Yamaguchi. “It should fit you.”

The freckled boy undressed to be just in his boxers and put on the shirt which was large enough to look like a nightdress on him although it was barely long enough to cover Tsukishima’s torso. “Stop kidding.”

 “Ah…apparently not.” Said Tsukishima while looking at Yamaguchi’s reflection in his wardrobe mirror.

He then looked at his own thin, pale, rib-showing torso and wondered if he had the right to make the kind of joke he did earlier. There was literally nothing to enjoy.

“Should I start working out?” he asked, more to himself than his friend.

“Stopping exercise can be disastrous for your body when you used to practice a sport.”

“I know but I don’t have the time to do that.”

Yamaguchi lied down on the futon with his hands behind his head and Tsukishima stared down at him for a moment. He grew up to be a beautiful man, slender figure, perfect body line with wide hips to die for. He had a rather handsome face now, that no one could actually see his freckles as something else than a charm.

“No wonder they’re all after you, now.” He mumbled.

“What?” Yamaguchi looked up to him.

“Nothing.” Tsukishima lied on his bed. He took off his glasses and put them on his nightstand before speaking again. “Do you live with your boyfriend?” It was the night of the unexpected personal questions.

“I don’t have a boyfriend at the moment.” Yamaguchi stated and it surprised Tsukishima. “But I do live with a friend, a girl, and everyone thinks we’re a couple, that's funny.”

Tsukishima shifted his head a little to see his friend better. He felt strange for asking so many questions, a bit like a nagging sibling would. “What happened with your parents exactly?”

“Short or long version?”

“Go for the full story.”

 

Yamaguchi took a deep breath and exhaled. “Last time we saw each other, I told you I was going to come out to my parents. The thing is that my current boyfriend at that time insisted to come at my home and once my mom found us making out in my room. That's pretty stupid, I know. She patiently waited until the guy was gone to lecture me for the remaining of the evening about how I didn’t go to college, how I didn’t have a job, how I just relied on my parents without helping them. She blamed my “deviant lifestyle” and ordered me to “change””

Tsukishima chuckled. “Easier said than done.”

“I know, right? It’s just that I became a lazy guy after quitting volleyball.”

“Didn’t you want to write a children book or something?” Tsukishima recalled him talking about this.

“When I'm not working, all I do during the day is writing and doodling but it never seems to satisfy anyone.” He shook his head and continued his story. “Anyways, she told me to break up with him and to find a job or else she would have me leave the house. The next day I pay a visit to my boyfriend’s, break up with him, cry for two hours, and directly go job-seeking. I was lucky, I found a job pretty quickly because the grocery store a few blocks away needed a replacement to work in the shop shelves. So I started working there and everything went pretty smoothly. My mom did not exactly congratulate me but she seemed happy and not ready to kick me out any moment, so I was fine with that.”

Tsukishima was listening to Yamaguchi’s story attentively. It was only on exceptional occasions that he spoke this much about himself, when he needed to let it out, but he would definitely not have done it in front of the other guys.

“But, you know I can’t change my real self.” He said with what Tsukishima interpreted as a bitter expression. “There was that guy who was a manager there, and he was my type and I fell in love with him. I only flirted for a bit but he got the hint pretty fast. He told me that he was straight and that he would make an exception for me so every now and then we would fuck in the storage room when he was in the mood.”

Yamaguchi was a lot more straightforward than he used to be. Or maybe was it indifference.

“It lasted for a month or two until another guy found us and he couldn't keep his mouth shut."

“You know it had to happen, right?”

“Probably. I got fired the next day.”

“And your guy?”

“They kept him. That’s unfair but since he had been there for a long time, they didn’t want to fire him. Also he said that it was all my gay-ass fault.”

“You have good taste, tell me…” the blonde sarcastically remarked.

“Well…” Yamaguchi shrugged. “I had to tell my parents. At dinner I just said “I got fired” but they gave me that I-need-an-explanation look. I was so terribly exhausted and mad and fed up that my mouth moved on its own. I bluntly told them the whole truth with bonus details; it was extremely relieving for a moment and their faces were priceless…”

“You…” Tsukishima stared in shock.

Yamaguchi faked a laugh. “It was funny only for a time. They gave me two hours to pack my stuff and leave the house. Took me twenty minutes, I had never ran so fast in my life since I left High School. And it wasn’t like a bird leaving the nest. I had almost no money and my account was blocked. I became homeless…can you believe it?”

“You didn’t save enough to rent something?”

“Nope. Though the only thing I had in mind was my lovely manager.”

“Are you for real…?”

“It’s love, Tsukki! I never intended to give up on him. I found his apartment and asked him to take his responsibilities, he said he was not looking for this kind of relationship but in the end, since I stayed at his door all day, he took pity on me and let me live with him. We started dating for real. And nearly six months later he dumped me and kicked me out.”

Tsukishima moved to see Yamaguchi. He was not expecting this embarrassed expression on his face. “Why?” he asked, voice low.

“I cheated on him. Multiple times.” Tsukishima raised an eyebrow and the other pursued. “When I didn’t have a job, I went out a lot to meet new people and I ended falling in love with a guy of the friend group. We hooked up regularly but when my boyfriend found out, he let me know he preferred me to have a job, meaning “stop fucking around and do something productive”. I worked as an assistant bartender at night but there was a regular there who seemed to be very interested in me and…”

“You hooked up?”

“You’re always right, Tsukki. We hooked up, I went to his place a few times but I did not fool anyone and my boyfriend nicely asked me to leave and never come back again. The girl I’m living with now is a colleague from the bar. I quit the job since then because I couldn’t bear the place anymore.” He paused for a second. “But I shouldn’t be complaining. I know Sugawara-san has it harder than me.”

“That’s probable. You asked for it.”

The taller man had already noticed his friend’s tendency to change of partner a lot as well as his habit of falling for people he did not even know quite easily. He now observed that he indeed used the expression “falling in love” way more than usually needed. Was this boy’s heart an actual mess or was it his brain? After having studied neurology for a while, he wondered if it could be some kind of mania.

“You mean it?” Yamaguchi looked genuinely hurt. All the confidence he seemed to have gained was actually a front.

“Maybe.” Tsukishima looked at the ceiling. He liked rubbing salt in the wounds. Yamaguchi emitted a sound and he couldn’t figure out if it was a sob or a laugh. “All of this is kind of pathetic.”

“I can’t help it. I just want to have someone by my side who is understanding. I’m not a bad guy. I’m not a coward. I’m not useless…”

He was definitely crying and Tsukishima suddenly felt bad. He was being harsh but, hadn’t he always been?

“Isn’t that what friends are for?” He never thought he would say something that cheesy in his life, he decided to blame lateness for it. “C’mere.”

Yamaguchi looked up. “Really?”

Tsukishima slightly nodded, moved on the side and patted the mattress next to him. The other climbed in the bed, there was not much space but it was comfortable.

“We’re both adult now…”

“Yeah, and we’re both lonely.” Tsukishima interrupted. He wiped the tears on the corner of Yamaguchi’s eyes.

_What am I doing? I’m caring way too much._

“Do you have anyone you like?” Yamaguchi asked out of the blue.

“I do.” He answered right away. After the other opened his heart to him, Tsukishima figured out it would be rude not to talk about himself a little, even though the way he said it did not feel right. “Takai Manami. I’ve known her since the first year of College. We’re the same age.”

“Oh, so you’re good friends?”

“We are. I don’t have a lot of friends there but I’ve always been with her. Right now I would say that she is the person I care the most about in my life.”

“That’s called love!” Yamaguchi smiled sadly. “We’re very different, you and I… I would probably have already gone out with her and ruined the relationship. You’ve known her for three years, I think it’s safe to ask her out, now.”

“Ah?”

“Yeah. Plus it’s rare for someone to catch your attention, she must be “the one”!”

“Is that so…”

Yamaguchi’s smile was reassuring. Tsukishima knew what love was, however, he cherished Takai too much to dare ask her and he wanted to do it right. What he did not notice at this moment was his friend’s desperate face as he turned his back to him. “I’m sleepy.” He said with a small voice.

“Alright.” Tsukishima extended his arm over him to switch off the light and they slept like that, in the single bed.

 

The next morning, Tsukishima was waken up by the familiar sound of his wardrobe opening. He jerked awake and saw his brother picking up underwear in the drawer.

“Aniki…?” he asked in a sore voice.

“Oh, Kei! You came after all!” He beamed. “And is that…Tadashi-kun?”

His loud voice woke up Yamaguchi who opened his eyes to see he was in his friend arms and that the older brother was staring at them. He felt his face turn bright red. “Uh…hello?”

Akiteru’s eyes opened wide, he started shaking his hands frantically and whispered: “Oh no, go back to sleep guys, you’re too cute, just sleep and forget about me!” and he ran out of the room.

Yamaguchi awkwardly rolled on his back to give him more room. “It’s just a misunderstanding, you’ll explain later.”

_Too late._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...was it good? Was it bad? I feel bad myself for portraying Yamaguchi as a desenchanted gay boy but I feel like everyone starts feeling a bit desenchanted once they hit adulthood. Nothing personal about Yamaguchi, really. Also Hinata sounds really rude idk i'm sorry i guess (also if any mistake, please point it out, i'm bad at rereading stuff...)


	2. A Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, alright, the violence warning kinda makes sense for this one. Also big **emetophobia warning!** Don't read it if you have emetophobia, if you really want to know what happens, contact me on [tumblr](http://lawl-piece.tumblr.com) and I'll see what I can do.  
>  Also a little bit of smut at the beginning.
> 
> I feel a bit bad about this because I am really mean to Yamaguchi and even though it was what i intended to do since the beginning, the first chapter was a lot cuter than i expected so now I feel like I am deceiving you all...sorry.

It was too late because Tsukishima had already felt Yamaguchi’s bulge against his thigh and he did not want to ignore it. Yamaguchi knew it, he had to act fast before things get out of hand. He stood up to go to the bathroom in order to take care of the problem himself, but the blonde firmly grabbed his arm to keep him in place.

“Tsukki? What are you-?” Yamaguchi tensed and tried to free his hand.

“What is that Yamaguchi? Are you a teenage boy?”

“That kind of thing happens to everyone, rig-AH!”

Tadashi fell back on the bed. Kei had slid his hand along his chest brushing against his nipples through the shirt and was now making his way to his lower stomach, poking the waistband of his underwear and groping his clothed bulge.

“S-stop! What if your brother comes in again?” Yamaguchi seriously started panicking, was Tsukki really doing this in his bed?

“He won’t.”

Tsukishima did not wait any longer to slide his hand in the other’s underwear and grab his length. “You’re so hard… is it from hearing my voice too?” he whispered the last part into Yamaguchi’s ear. Indeed his voice had a strange effect on him, it felt like the low sound echoed through his bones into the hollow of his hips to his groin. He did not answer and bit his bottom lip to suppress a moan.

_What is happening?_

Tsukishima started stroking his cock slowly and he rubbed the pre-cum beading at the tip with his thumb. The feeling of his long warm and slender fingers was amazing and eerie at the same time.

“Tsukki…stop it…” he cried out, unable to contain his voice anymore. Although he was saying this, he absolutely did not want him to stop.

“Shhh…” Tsukishima shushed him and took his hand with his free one to make him touch his crotch. “Here, touch mine too.”

_What? Why?_

Yamaguchi emitted a surprised sound that sounded more like a moan. He wanted to touch him. _Badly_. He lowered the other’s sweatpants and took him into his hand.

They were both jerking each other off under the sheets. There were tears rolling down Yamaguchi’s cheeks, either from repressing his voice too much or maybe breathing unevenly. Tsukishima tightened his grip around his cock and stopped moving.

“Why are you crying?”

 “I’m not!”

“You are.”

“Stop looking at me.”

Tsukishima smirked.

“What kind of reaction is that? And from you…of all people…” he neared his mouth to his ear again. He was panting too. “…Yamaguchi.”

His low voice sent shivers down Yamaguchi’s spine and he came in a loud high-pitched moan in Tsukishima’s hand, the latter following right after. They stayed still for a moment to steady their heavy breathing. The taller was the first to speak.

“My my…we made a mess.”

He extended his hand to the drawer to grab tissues so they could wipe the cum off their thighs and hands. As if nothing had just happened, Tsukishima got up to put his glasses on. Yamaguchi wasn’t moving from the bed, he couldn’t. He looked at the other in fear as the view vanished before his eyes.

He jerked awake.

_A dream._

It was a strangely realistic yet inconceivable dream. He looked at Kei sleeping beside him and then at the digital clock on the nightstand. Apparently, they both fell asleep again after Akiteru’s visit. He stared down to find the catastrophe that had happened in his underwear and tossed the covers and ran into the bathroom.

“Where’re you going?” Tsukishima asked, half awake.

Yamaguchi froze and answered with a broken voice. “Pee-pee.”

Once in the bathroom, he wiped himself the best as he could.

Did I just have a wet dream about Tsukki when I was sleeping with him in HIS bed?

He thought this to himself but he had a hard time realising it. Now, all he hoped was that his friend did not notice anything.

When he came back in the room, Tsukishima was already dressed up in clean clothes. Yamaguchi sat on the floor and started searching for his stuff but his brain was blurry with thoughts and he couldn’t concentrate and he was just moving air. Noticing him, Tsukishima picked up his jeans and shirt and handed them to him.

“Is that what you’re searching for?”

The freckled man’s eyes widened. He took his clothes and nodded. Tsukishima squatted next to him and touched his shoulder. “Hey, are you okay?”

Nope. Nope nope nope. The atmosphere was too tense. As expected, he couldn’t face him properly so he pushed his hand away. Tsukishima stiffened slightly and furrowed his eyebrows but he did not comment. “Are you going to eat breakfast here?”

_Should I?_

“What? Oh, I’d rather go quickly… I mean I don’t want to take advantage of the situation.”

“Alright.”

Obviously the taller man knew something was up. Yamaguchi was terrified and he felt the heat creep on his cheeks and cold sweat dropping down his back, symptoms of the worst kind of anxiety. He put his clothes on at full speed and grabbed his small bag.

“I…I’m going now.”

“Okay, I’ll walk you to the door.”

_Soon. Everything will be over._

They went down the stairs together and Mrs. Tsukishima stopped them.

“Yamaguchi-kun! It’s been so much time! You’re going to eat breakfast here, right?”

_Another chance._

“Sorry ma’am. Got to go now!”

_Wasted._

Kei opened the door and looked at him. “Yamaguchi. Be careful.”

He blinked a few times, trying to comprehend what he meant exactly before faking a large smile and fleeing away. “Don’t worry! Good luck with Takai Manami, I know you can do it! Goodbye Tsukki!”

 

Tsukishima closed the door staring at nothing.

_“Goodbye Tsukki” huh._

He ate breakfast and quickly went back to his room, the awkward situation from before camping in his thoughts. He absent-mindedly folded the futon and put it back in the wardrobe his brother had left open. Said brother entered his room at that moment and looked almost surprised to find him.

“Oh you’re here? Tadashi’s already gone?” he asked softly.

“Hum? Yeah. He had stuff to do.”

“Is that so? Haha.” He slightly scratched the back of his head, visibly embarrassed. “Hey, I didn’t make things awkward between you two did I?”

“Don’t sweat it.”

“You have to be nice to him, it’s great to keep in touch with High School friends. I mean, it’s Middle School for you two it’s amazing, really.”

The room’s atmosphere became heavier and heavier.

Kei looked everywhere except at his brother. “You know, I don’t think I’ll see him ever again.”

“Wha-What?”

He had this strange and irrational feeling he felt like getting out of his mind and maybe his brother was not the best choice of interlocutor. Even to him, it did not make much sense but it seemed like something had just snapped into his friend’s brain that may had nothing to do with him.

He shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t really care. I need to focus on my classes.”

Akiteru furrowed his eyebrows and he had a playful smirk. “I’m sure you’re lying.”

The younger threw him a glare dark enough to freeze him on place. “Aniki. If you ever need underwear, don’t pick in you little brother’s and go buy some yourself.”

 

Yamaguchi was wobbling down the streets, not sure if his legs were going to support him any longer. His mind was a mess, there were thousands of undistinguishable thoughts hustling in his brain and he could not make out a single one of them. However, just like a flipbook, the faster they went the better he could see what exactly they were about. Separately these thoughts did not mean anything but put altogether, they all said the same thing: “Tsukishima Kei” with a side of “what the fuck is wrong with me”.

This one name he did not say out loud was burned in his mind like words on a gravestone: a reminder, visibly eternal. “Leave me alone, leave me alone…” He kept walking for a few minutes until he was sure he was far enough from the other’s house. He went into a small alley and sank on his knees against the wall. He knew this feeling all too well, although this time, it may have been a little different. Yamaguchi felt a violent pain at the pit of his stomach as the organ shrunk into his body. He took a step back as he felt the tightening feeling go up to his throat followed by a warm liquid. He threw up everything he got – which was basically alcohol and the dinner of the previous day – on the ground and wall. He coughed a little to clear his burning throat and his eyes were tearing up at the strain it caused to his body. He fell on his knees again, avoiding the mess and the ground and he started crying.

“Cruel…this is so cruel…”

His eyes became real waterfalls, he was sobbing uncontrollably and he was feeling sorry for himself as he could not dry his tears.

“So cruel…”

He punched the concrete wall with all his strength as to give himself a reason to cry.

“Why am I like this?!” he screamed. His words fell dead after echoing against the narrow walls.

One more time, one more time. He punched this wall as if it was responsible of his mental state but it was stronger than him and soon drips of blood mixed with the vomit on the ground. There was a sound and Yamaguchi stopped for a while and turned his head to the darker side of the alley.

“Who’s there?”

Someone who seemed to be an homeless man appeared. “What are you doing, soiling my place, you fucking brat?!”

Out of everywhere in this small town, he had to choose this man’s territory. Yamaguchi sighed and spoke with a shaky voice and the nicest tone possible. “I didn’t know it was your place.”

The man walked toward him with a menacing look. He reeked of alcohol. “You gotta pay for it, you gotta pay for it!!”

“Old man, I don’t have any money on me.” Yamaguchi walked back a little.

The man emitted a guttural laugh and revealed his atrocious teeth. Reality was deformed in Yamaguchi’s eyes and it looked even worse. “Then maybe you can offer me something else than money, you feminine man.”

Adrenaline filled Yamaguchi’s body because of the man approaching. When he grabbed his shoulders, Yamaguchi gave him a kick in the belly. The man lost his balance and fell flat on his back and was not getting up. For a few seconds, Yamaguchi wondered if the hobo hit his head on the ground and died but, seeing there wasn’t any blood, he preferred thinking he was just knocked down.

He ran out of the alley as fast as possible even if he was already exhausted. He stopped when he reached his old High School and suddenly, he felt lonely again. He was not twisted to the point he would flirt with High School students and he ignored the strange looks the kids hanging out outside the building were giving him. He took out his phone, ignored the reflection of his swollen face and went through his contacts.

 

The train ride to Sendai was long but calming. It held the role of a purgatory for Kei’s negative thoughts that were gradually fleeing through the window he was looking at and disappearing at fast speed down the rail road. Seeing how he was getting away from his hometown and all his concerns, off to resume to his brand new life after this unannounced parenthesis. What he wanted was not exactly to cut off the ties with all his family and friends but he wanted to be fully independent and free of any substantial worries. What had happened the night before was the exact opposite. He did worry about Yamaguchi. He did want to be there for him.

Somehow, without him intending to, it went overboard. Not that it mattered now, he was getting far, far way. It was everything but cowardice, right?

A few days later, he gathered his courage to do as Yamaguchi suggested and asked Takai out. It was probably the bluntest dating proposal ever and he didn’t even try to make it sound cool, it just came out naturally.

“Hey Manami. Do you want to go out with me?”

She had stared at him for a few seconds before falling into his arms with a shy “yes”. Just as Yamaguchi said, after all this time, it was safe. But enough thinking about Yamaguchi now. When he was alone with his close friend Watanabe Kaito, the latter could only congratulate him.

“Fucking finally!”

Tsukishima was confused because he had never heard this guy swear before. He was more of a shy and silent guy with glasses and messy hair, the type of people Tsukishima liked around him.

“Sorry but you guys were just so frustrating! All this time you were together but not as a couple…to be quite honest I think it was a waste of time, you both are clever and beautiful, you are the perfect match.”

“Thanks. Jealous?”

“Meh. A bit. I’m still single, remember?”

“Well, I can’t do anything about it.”

“I know!”

And so Manami and Kei became the power couple of their promotion. Two equally beautiful tall young people who were extremely intelligent and successful. Everyone was at least a bit jealous of them. Watanabe was proud to be their close friend and liked saying he was their bodyguard even if he was shorter than the both of them.

Tsukishima liked his friend and his girlfriend. He enjoyed his current life of love and studies and he enjoyed being praised by everyone. This was what he wanted, probably.

 

Yamaguchi had sat in a bar he used to frequent with the others back in High School patiently waiting for his contact to arrive while drinking an orange juice through a straw. He noticed a moss of grey hair entering the bar and waved in its direction.

“Sugawara-san!”

Sugawara smiled a little and sat at his table in front of him. “Yamaguchi-kun. It’s been a long time. One year and a half?”

“I think so.”

“It was so sudden of you to call me after all this time.”

Sugawara called a waiter and ordered a cup of coffee.

“I felt like I needed to talk to a wise person.”

“But I’m definitely not the most…”

Yamaguchi cut him off. “You’re too modest. And you’re the only one I can talk too at the moment.”

“Then I hope I will be able to help you… You look sick.”

“Got a bit wasted last night. And this morning.”

Yamaguchi could not properly hide the wounds on his hands. Sugawara gave him a sad look.

“You should do something for those or it’ll get infected.”

“Yeah I know.” Yamaguchi lowered his head, put his hands on top of it and laughed bitterly. “I’m insane. Look what being single does to me.”

“Wow, I never thought I would live to see the day when you don’t have at least one boyfriend at a time.”

Yamaguchi blushed brightly at the remark. “Uh…”

“Sorry, that was rude.”

“No, you’re right.” Yamaguchi knew it too well but hearing the bare truth from someone else’s mouth made things feel more real. Although he could see what was wrong with his own behaviour, he couldn’t really help it and he sincerely thought it wasn’t enough to make him a bad person. He wanted to ask this directly to Sugawara but he feared the answer might be another blow on his already abyssal-low spirit. “What are you up to, recently?" he asked instead.

“I’m going to leave for the United States in a month.”

And that was unexpected. “Really?”

“It’s been five years since I’ve finished High School now. It’s about time I take charge of my own life. I was clingy and obstinate but this situation can’t go on forever. Also, knowing I can’t play volleyball the way I used to play before…”

“It’s amazing that you realised that Sugawara-san.”

“Thank you. Ah I was the one who was supposed to lift up your mood but it ends up being the other way round.”

“I don’t mind.” Yamaguchi finished his drink and sighed. Everything was a mess.

The older took his hand and stroked it gently. “Right now your life makes you suffer, but just like me you will end up moving on. All you need is the strength to do so.”

“Moving on…”

“I’m not saying you should give up on whatever you want. But unrealistic expectations usually end up as great wastes of time.”

They talked for a bit longer. Yamaguchi understood fully what "moving on" meant and he thought about it for a long while after leaving his senior.

He thought to himself that he had the right to be happy no matter the circumstances so he decided to stay focused on what he had left for himself.

_Not much, that is._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not happy but necessary. Hit rock bottom to jump higher afterwards. It's not the end, everything gets better! Usually! Haha! ...sorry.
> 
> I don't know if there's actually a train connecting Sendai to suburban cities but i assumed there was...
> 
> I'll try to update it weekly!


	3. One Week

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, I was lazy-busy...!
> 
> I got a surgery yesterday so I could see the inside of an hospital more closely, it was nice. Also I recently read a romance manga where the protagonists could not make up their mind and it was sooo annoying...It's in this state of mind that i wrote this chapter. Not much happens, but we learn about what the guys have become and all... Hope you'll like it.

Kei’s relationship with Manami lasted for more than four years during which he didn’t contact Yamaguchi Tadashi even once. No text message for birthdays or New Year, no planned meeting. Not that he minded. He received a few from other of his old friends, including wedding invitations but his busy work life restrained him from coming every time. After finishing College and its hardships, he had successfully become a surgeon in the hospital of Sendai where he used to work as an intern. His lover had finished college at the same time but she had gone working in a smaller clinic so they had moved in an apartment together, midway between their two workplaces at the 10th floor of a big building. They lived a perfect life and they had a lot of projects in mind: marriage, kids, whatever people did to be called “successful”, “happy”, “model family”. However, their relationship had started degrading only a few weeks after they had moved to this place and started working on their own.

Even if they lived together they barely saw each other or even talked. Manami complained that Kei was being indifferent to her and only focused on work, acting cold and distant for no reason. He excused himself saying that since he had worked for a short amount of time, he was still a bit stressed from the rhythm but she did not seem to get what he was talking about. To her, he was just making excuses for his rude workaholic behaviour so she promised to leave him more personal space if he acted nicer to her. Truthfully, he tried his best but he did not quite know what kind of exponential effort he should make to take care of so many issues at the same time. And was it only his imagination? This mountain of problems standing up in front of him, was it not actually one single problem? Him? He wanted a simple life with a routine easy to follow but it was unexpectedly difficult to obtain.

It was not like Manami wanted him to find an answer to that. All she expected was a little more consideration. But that did not happen. She eventually grew tired of it, and a year after moving in together, she left Kei.

Breaking his everyday routine was a shock for him. He thought that his life reached a paroxysm where it became still and unchanging. He had to accept that he was wrong about that.

Two months later, he was still picking up the pieces. His own pieces and the pieces of his past relationship. At the hospital, he sighed for the nth time of the day.

“Oi, oi. What’s with that gloomy face again?” his boss and colleague, Doctor Shinohara, grumbled and tapped her fingers on the armrest of her seat.

“Nothing.”

“Don’t “nothing” me. You keep sighing and looking through the window with a sad face even though it’s already been two months. You should have asked for a break if you’re this sick.”

“I don’t need that.”

“Argh, you’re annoying. I’m going to have you moved to another department.”

“Dr Shinohara, I don’t think you can do this…” Watanabe entered the diagnosis room and sat next to Tsukishima.

The two friends stayed together this whole time, through College until they started working into the same medical team. Tsukishima was glad to have his friend by his side. He realised that being alone was definitely not for him. He liked to have someone alongside him but he didn't like having to take care of them properly and he could only blame himself. Who would have known?

The older woman closed her eyes in annoyance. “Whatever…”

“You know, they were together for more than four years, and it’s normal if he needs time to adapt to singlehood.”

“No offence, Watanabe, but I don’t think you’re qualified to talk about long term relationships and their consequences.” The young man lowered his head with a pout. She then turned to Tsukishima again. “Listen, if being alone is such a big problem, there’s at least half of the women of this hospital willing to go out with you, no matter what.”

Shinohara Yuuko was loud and obnoxious and Tsukishima disliked this side of her personality but he admitted that this time again she was right about how he felt, as most of the times. Moreover, she was an amazing doctor.

“Ah, Kei-kun is so popular~” Watanabe commented before he could answer anything.

All this fuss did not matter to Kei. At some point it did, but now he could not care less. The reason was that he did not expect to suffer that much to begin with but slowly after two months, he was starting to recover from this emotional shock. With the return of his lucidity, he figured out Shinohara was right: he should find a new girlfriend soon to cure his loneliness and make the "life machine" work for at least some more time. For now, he could only enjoy the satisfaction of doing great at his demanding job.

 

 

Tadashi was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital wiggling his hands together trying to forget about his raging headache. He chewed on the inside of his cheeks and closed his eyes, waiting to be called by the doctor.

“Next!”

He jumped on his aching feet and grabbed his backpack briskly before running to the room where the plate said “Shinohara”. The doctor sat down at her desk.

“Please, sit down.” She fumbled in the mess of papers lying there and looked up to him. “Yamaguchi Tadashi-san, you made this appointment for a sharp and persistent headache.”

“Yes.” When the head is at pain, short answers are the key.

She made him sit on the medical table and strip his upper body. Seeing his torso injured by various bruises and cuts, a dark expression displayed on her face and she started examining him in detail. For some reason he ignored, she seemed pissed about it.

“No wonder your head hurts, look at your body, those wounds aren’t pretty. Your breathing seems steady, though.” She put down her stethoscope and grabbed a thermometer. In the meantime, she pulled bandages out of the drawer near the table, disinfected the wounds and wrapped it around his upper torso to cover most of it. “You should have come to emergency when you first got those and have them treated. It must have been painful."

She sighed just as if she had to take care of a very frustrating child.

“Your temperature is pretty low too” she said again while looking at the temperature measuring device, “have you stayed outside for a while?”

“Yes.”

“Have you been eating properly? Please, step on the scale.” When he proceeded to do so, she shook her head. “Sorry for making it sound like a police interview but your state is quite worrying. Your head is hurting from all this strain caused to your body, physical as well as mental such as stress and anxiety.

It shows on your face.”

Yamaguchi grimaced and managed to crack a joke. “Is there any other good news about my health?”

“You’re lucky not to have collapsed already.” She deadpanned.

That attempt at humour was obviously vain with doctor Shinohara. He could not figure out if she was genuinely angry or if it was her character, anyways, it made him a thousand times more uncomfortable. She grabbed a prescription paper and scribbled a few things. “Anti-inflammatories, painkillers, food complements. Take those right away, three times a day. If your headache did not regress after a week, make another appointment. You also need actual sleep. Your body is tired.”

Tadashi looked at himself, and back at her. “Alright…”

It was then the moment when anxiety decided to hit him in the ribcage. The action of thinking put him in absolute pain but he couldn’t help but realise where he was at that moment: in THAT hospital. He had probably unconsciously wanted to get there for four years. Now he was, he faced the dilemma of concretely asking what was on his mind or not. He pondered the pros and cons for what seemed to be about two hours with this raging headache.

_Come on Tadashi, it’s worth a shot!_

 “Erm…”

“What?” Doctor Shinohara asked, looking up from the paper she had not yet completed.

“Do you know by any chance a doctor here named Tsukishima Kei?”

She froze on place and he felt totally terrified for a second as an annoyed rictus set on her cold face.

“Tsukishima Kei, you say.” She slammed her fist on the desk with all the strength a small body like hers could contain. “Is this guy going to give me a break someday?”

She threw her head back. The cold and composed doctor had become totally slack. However Yamaguchi understood that she knew him and he didn’t know if he had to feel relieved or not considering her reaction and what he should do with this new information, if he should greet him or leave it as so. Noticing his struggles, she asked him:

“Are you a friend?”

“Y-yes…”

“Then it can’t be helped…” she sighed. “You’re lucky I’m working on consultations today. He’s a surgeon in my medical team, I know where he is right now, I guess you would like to know?”

Tadashi was rather amazed by the fact she seemed to perfectly know what he was happening in his head at the moment and that, as his doctor, she nicely offered a helping hand. Her question was probably rhetorical but he answered nonetheless. “Yes please!”

“Well. He’s currently proceeding surgery. It should be over in two hours so you can wait for him at the reception. If you’re still there when I’m finished, I’ll find him myself. However buying your medication is a priority.”

He blinked at her when she averted her eyes. “Thank you for doing all of this for me, I mean, you’re not forced to…”

“I don’t really know, okay? Just… everyone might profit from that…” she mumbled. “Now go, patients are waiting.”

Yamaguchi nodded and left the consultation room, a bit confused. He was feeling utterly happy about seeing his childhood friend although he was not sure if four years were enough to erase the stupid feelings that ruined their entire relationship as well as the way he fucked up ten years’ worth of friendship because he could not control his heart (and his dick, for that matter). He could not figure out if at that time he had acted like a total coward or like a rational adult who does not want to face complicated situations. The limit between the two is indeed thin. He wondered if Tsukishima had asked himself those questions and if he held a grudge against him after four years of no communication. It was not like Tadashi didn’t try. During this time, it had seemed like life turned against him even more than before and that this right to be happy he proudly claimed after meeting with Sugawara was surely and definitely stripped away from him. This is something one grows used to. He looked at his right arm and scratched it as a reflex.

Looking at himself from back then and at himself now, he could not tell which Yamaguchi Tadashi was the most pitiful. From her doctor point of view, Shinohara would not waste any time to answer. He felt the atrocious pain beat into his temples again and hurried out of the hospital to go to the pharmacy.

He came back at the hospital, took a painkiller in the bathroom and the sat on a bench at the reception. He was exhausted but he wanted to believe this encounter could mean his life would take a happy turn. Maybe doctor Shinohara and her white gown was actually an angel coming from the skies.

Even if he was staring at the clock while waiting, his mind did not keep track of the passing time and eventually fell asleep. He woke up and found himself with his bag between his leg, in the very same hospital hall and the receptionist gave him a strange and mildly upset look.

“Sorry Sir, could I be of any help?”

“Eh…I…no…I’m fine.”

“He’s fine.” A deep female voice echoed from the hallway.

Tadashi turned to see Doctor Shinohara walking towards him. “Yamaguchi-san, you still haven’t seen him?” she didn’t wait for his answer and went back to the hallway.

 

 

Kei was walking in the hospital hallway, finally done with the surgery that took him nearly five hours of his day and he took care of staying with his patient until he woke up. When he was about to get coffee from the vending machine, Shinohara literally ran into him. She was strangely lively and particularly loud.

“Ah, so you’re here! Tsukishima, come on!”

“How troublesome.” He complained, getting dragged by the hand to the reception hall and having no idea why.

His plain and unpleasant words usually fell dead in the ears of the woman. However a man sitting on a bench eagerly looked up to him, right in the eyes. 

 “This hypothermic malnourished young man showing multiple contusions and a chronic headache claims to be your friend. Do you know him?” Shinohara introduced the matter while reporting the male’s medical condition, Tsukishima found it brilliant.

But the current course of events was so ridiculous that understanding what she had just said was nearly impossible. What was happening looked a lot like a glitch in his life, an uncalculated fluctuation.

“Yamaguchi?” Tsukishima approached him as to be sure it was him.

“Tsukki!”

“Ah, I’m glad you actually know each other!” She clapped her hands without any excitement. “Isn’t that great?”

“What for…?”

“Go talk about the good ol’ time together over a drink, you know what I mean?”

It wasn’t that her stare looked that convincing but her voice sounded much like an order. “Right…”

“Listen.” She closed the distance between them so Yamaguchi would not hear their conversation. Since she was extremely short, Tsukishima had to bend his body in half, he really hated the current situation. “As his doctor, it is natural for me to feel responsible. But since he knows you I think it’s even better to leave him in your care.”

As expected, she was really thoughtful of her patients but for Tsukishima it was unmistakably overstepping his own job. Definitely not something the righteous doctor Tsukishima would do in his everyday life. He wondered if he could see this man as a childhood friend when the reason his name came out of his mouth when he first saw him was not because he recognized his face but because no one else in his life had ever looked at him with such expression. Suddenly this expression became more panicked.

“Now, it seems a bit pointless that I asked to see you out of the blue…I mean it’s cool but if you’re busy we might as well catch up another day…”

_See, you’re already running away._

“Yeah, that’s right, make sure you exchange phone numbers too.” She tapped Tsukishima’s shoulder in an annoying friendly manner.

“Aren’t you getting carried away a little too much here, Shinohara-san?” was what he wanted to tell her. But he kept quiet because he was in too deep  since he had approached Yamaguchi with a curious and concerned glare behind his glasses.

“I’m not that busy today. I can drive you home.” He said to Yamaguchi instead.

For some reason he would have hoped the other’s smile became more hopeful. “Okay…”

Tsukishima went back to his office to pick his things and together they headed out of the hospital and to one luxurious black car on the parking lot. Yamaguchi looked quite taken aback by the view.

“Once you get the salary of a surgeon everything changes.”

He didn’t know if he said that to clear any kind of confusion in the other’s mind or to make him feel more pitiful. The answer would depend of his reaction.

“That’s…truly amazing.”

He offered him to sit on the passenger seat and turned on the engine. It was early evening and the sun was starting to decline in the red and orange sky. It hadn’t driven with anyone in his car since Manami had left him and maybe this was why he appreciated a bit more the fire-like sky. The other seemed to enjoy it just as much, he was quiet but he was smiling slightly. Kei was not sure what this expression meant on his face since they were practically strangers now, but he assumed he was relaxed. He opened his window to let the fresh air slip inside the car from the speed as he took a turn to the main road.

“So, you live in Sendai now?” he asked, lighting a cigarette.

He heard Yamaguchi wiggle on the seat and he briefly looked at him to see him shake his head.

“Actually, I live nowhere.”

Kei stopped at the red light and fixedly stared at him. This was why he looked this unhappy. He was in the exact same state than when he left him before. He had a hard time believing his situation did not evolve in four years of time.

“But it’s fine” he said looking at his feet. “Drop me by the station, I have money so finding a motel won’t be a problem.”

At this moment, Tsukishima understood what heavy burden Shinohara left on his shoulders. He exhaled a puff of smoke and knocked the ashes out of the window. The other was noticeably shaking. Just what in the hell had happened to him during these four years? Now he had started his new life, he told himself he would not care about anything else. But he was not a heartless bastard to the point he would not help a guy even too shy to properly ask for support.

“I can’t do that because Shinohara-san entrusted you to me. I’ll drive you to my home.”

_This is it. I’m doing this again._

Yamaguchi did not reply. It seemed like he was holding back his tears.

They did not exchange more words after that. They eventually reached the apartment building, Tsukishima parked his car at his usual spot and they went to the elevator together. Kei looked at the ceiling and wondered how to make up for this mistake, because he had the feeling it was the way he had acted previously that led them to this. He knew it but he certainly did not want to talk this over with Yamaguchi. It was too unlike him. Now, more than just keeping some distance with others, he felt the need to protect his image. Just some stupid adult pride that kept growing for these four year.

Yamaguchi broke his train of thoughts. “Are you sure I won’t be a bother?”

“I live alone.” It was rather embarrassing to say.

He took out his apartment key and the door opened on a spacious entrance and living room.

“Woah. It’s huge. You live here all by yourself?” Yamaguchi beamed.

“Please, have a seat.”  

The shorter man looked flustered because of this sudden switch to formal language, even it was just a weak attempt at putting more distance between them. The two of them sat on opposite armchairs.

I’m sorry about all of this.”

“It’s okay.”  He lit up a new cigarette. “Right now, as a doctor, my duty is to take care of you. Obviously, you are not in good shape and I can’t let you go this way. I have no idea what is happening in your life but I’m giving you one week so you have time to bounce back.”

As cold as he wanted to sound, his announcement made the other shine with a bright smile, astonishing, freezing him on place.

“Thank you so much Tsukki!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, I have to admit I had some problems with the vocabulary for this one. English is not my first language, i struggled a lot (but I ended up making it longer). Anyways, it was happier for Yamaguchi, right? That's cool, huh? And Tsukishima has a pretty annoying boss (who is actually their cupid hehe)
> 
> I think the main difference between the two is that Yams wants change in his life and Tsukki wants it as stable as possible.
> 
> I will try not to make you wait too much for the next chapter!


	4. Mixed Signals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the moment i apologize for late release. And then I look at the word count and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me.
> 
> So, no warning for this chapter but... it talks about medicine and pills and stuff like that. Tsukki is awkward as fk. A bad friend. And they don't really know how to interract, and it's awkward, basically.
> 
> Hope you like it!

Yamaguchi's smile was genuine and happy and it was worth putting all his might into it. Tsukishima had just offered him one week away from the outside world and its hazards, an asylum of safety. However, Yamaguchi was not an idiot, it was obvious to him that Tsukishima was sending him mixed signals. He claimed helping him because of his work ethics but it could also be out of kindness or pity as he always did before they lost contact and it would not be any different. Yet again, he still hoped deep inside himself that it was because he cared.

“Do you want something to drink?” Tsukishima asked getting up from the armchair and leaving for the kitchen.

“Beer, please.”

“I’ll rephrase it: do you want some water?”

“You don’t have beer?”

“Not for you.”

He let his smile fade into a bitter expression because this seemed totally forced. Tsukishima Kei was a terrible and dishonest man but he was still thankful. “Well, alright.”

Yamaguchi crossed his legs and his arms and stared blankly at his thighs. He would have tried to be more laid back if the other didn’t act as cold as a fridge so suddenly. But now it felt even more uncomfortable than his medical appointment. Tsukishima came back with a big glass of water and Yamaguchi realised it took him awfully long to just pour water into a glass but the other’s expression is unreadable and leaves not clue of what he was doing into this kitchen. He set the glass on the coffee table and stared at him intently, and gosh, this was awkward. It appeared to Yamaguchi that the blonde man had become even taller and more muscular, unless it was the weight of success and wealth laying on his shoulders. He had to get used to it.

“Take off your shirt.” Tsukishima finally decided to give up formal language with him.

The sentence left Yamaguchi in complete awe.

“What?”

“I need to see your wounds, take off your shirt.”

Yamaguchi regretted everything from the instant he stepped a foot into the hospital. He did as told anyway, because this is what he learnt to do over the years. He would’ve rather died from his headache than face his old friend in such a pitiful position and feeling every ounce of his body being judged by the surgeon kneeling in front of him. Although, his gaze did not feel exactly judging nor it seemed to hold any ulterior motive than just observing a meticulously bandaged torso, palpating with skilled fingers the skinny and fragile body of his patient. His touch was powerful yet completely harmless. He let his fingers slide along his ribcage, his focused eyes turning to Yamaguchi’s face.

“You had a broken rib.” Well he guessed it.

“Yes.”

“I was wondering why was that bandage so awfully done but I guess she had no other choice.” He joked to himself. It was not funny.

He looked back at Yamaguchi’s body. All his wounds were at different states of recovery and all came with some backstory. He could even make a diary with it. But, unlike four years ago, Tsukishima did not seem in the mood to hear him cry about his sad and debauched romantic life. He was not in the mood either, he was tired.

The surgeon was indeed checking every single one of his wounds on his upper body. He delicately lifted his arm to observe it closer with his remarkable focus. This gaze was somewhat intimidating, even involuntarily.

Tsukishima’s hands moved to his face for the same purpose. He was not looking at Yamaguchi but at his bruised skin. He caressed his cheek, looking at the remaining of a black eye under his eyelid. His other hand came to brush away the long strands of hair hanging on his forehead. His hair grew a lot and it had been a while since he cut it, it must have been a bit confusing for Tsukishima. Now it seemed that he really looked at him as a person rather than a patient, that he found back the Yamaguchi Tadashi he knew. He could not really see because his face was too close but he looked in a sort of quiet amazement, the same kind of brief expression than the one appearing after he thanked him. Tadashi wanted to smile but he was afraid the other would hide behind his cold wall again, breaking this soothing moment.

He was probably only imagining things but he felt the touch becoming different, nearly sensual and this is how he realized the worlds of difference between them. Tsukishima was just acting as a doctor with his patient, naturally having to touch him this way but in Yamaguchi’s mind, it became something more degrading, more physical because that was all he could think about in his twisted brain. Then he had no other choice than breaking the moment before it became, well, more awkward than it already was. He put his hands on Tsukishima’s to move them off his face.

“Hey, Tsukki, I’m fine.” He said in a gentle tone.

“This needs to be taken care of. I’ll change your bandages tomorrow.” He answered monotonously and stood up, looking down at him. “I’m going to bring you some food, take your medicine with the water in the meantime.”

“Thanks.”

Yamaguchi truly wondered why he was acting so strange. What was the purpose of asking if he wanted water? He put this unsettling thought aside and took the doctor’s prescription, trying to decrypt her narrow handwriting. He then took a look at the various medicine packs he bought earlier at the pharmacy. He was not fully familiar with all of it yet but he knew he had to take it carefully in order to feel better and that alone was motivating. It was not like he wasn’t used to take pills anyway. He took the anti-inflammatories with the water and sat back into the armchair. He was glad the painkillers were so effective on his headache too. All hail modern medicine.

Tsukishima came back from the kitchen with what seemed to be a bowl of instant noodles on a tray. At least he had the decency not to look too proud about it.

“I don’t have anything better at the moment, you will have a proper meal tomorrow.”

He put the tray on the table and sat in front of him. “Thank you…”

The surgeon then glanced at the paper and the packs spread on the table, knowingly shaking his head. He opened the pack of food supplements and put a pill next to the bowl. “Don’t forget those too.”

Yamaguchi nodded and started eating cautiously, his eyes following Tsukishima like a wary animal. The tall man stood up and headed to the kitchen again, to do God knows what. Yamaguchi assumed he preferred being away from him when he was eating as to preserve his intimacy. Or whatever.

Actually the evening consisted mainly in Tsukishima’s round trips between the living room and the kitchen. Regaining his senses from the awkward moment from earlier, Yamaguchi found it quite amusing.

“What is so funny?” the voice echoed from the kitchen.

“N-nothing!”

_Did I just laugh out loud? I should sleep, for real._

“I’m tired now, so I’ll sleep on the couch, okay?” he called, loud enough for the other to hear him.

Tsukishima came back, shaking his head disapprovingly. “No, you’ll sleep in my bed.”

“What?”

_Oh no please, no, not again._

“I mean, I’ll sleep on the couch and you’ll take the bed. I can’t afford you sleeping on a couch in this physical state, you’ll break your back.”

“A-alright, if it’s fine by you, then.”

Tsukishima grabbed Yamaguchi’s travel bag and lead him to his room, a spacious place with a king sized bed, maroon curtains, and a pretty landscape painting hanging on the white wall. He put his bag at the end of the bed and turned on the bedside lamp.

“You don’t have a job, right?”

“Not at the moment.” Yamaguchi felt the need to specify it, to not sound too worthless.

“I’ll be leaving quite early tomorrow morning but right now, if you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask me. As for food you’ll find everything you need in the kitchen. Eat whatever you want, I’ll stop by the grocery store on my way home.”

As expected, it was difficult for two people who haven’t meet in years to simply act as long-date friends. And it was also clear that Tsukishima was not ready to treat him as anything else than a patient simply judging by the way he closed the door. There was a sort of minimum contact rule that has not been respected during those four years. He lied down on the bed and switched off the light, to fall asleep in a matter of seconds.

 

The next morning, Yamaguchi woke up to the lights filtering through the curtains and the comeback of his headache. The shutters were not down so there was practically nothing restraining the morning sun. He had slept incredibly well in Tsukishima’s bed. Tsukishima and someone else’s bed to be precise, because of the omnipresent smell of a woman’s fragrance floating in the room.

Except for that smell, any other trace of this ghost woman was gone. Yamaguchi explored the apartment to be more familiar with it and he discovered the pretty bathroom, as well as the mysterious kitchen. It was the only room which had colours on the walls. It was light green with a flowered frieze in the middle. If the other had remained the same, Yamaguchi could say without a doubt that it was the opposite of his taste. Considering how he was behaving, Yamaguchi almost expected a sticky note on the counter with brief explanations and the key of the apartment next to it. But nothing.

He cooked eggs for breakfast and hungrily and happily ate his food and medicine. After that, he took a shower, carefully avoiding the bandages and changed into clean clothes he had brought in his bag and then took a great amount of time too find where Tsukishima stored the dirty laundry. He later decided to rest on the balcony overlooking the busy street. It was very narrow but the feeling of fresh air on his clean body felt nice, and he completely forgot about the noise of the cars. Everything about this apartment was enjoyable and he kind of wanted to stay there for longer than a week.

_Wait. This isn’t ideal, is it. What the hell am I thinking about?_

The whole reason he was here was precisely because he could not stand being locked up anymore. This thought made his heart race abnormally fast. Indeed, the medicine he took earlier had stopped his headache and his wounds looked a bit less ugly than the day before. But he had this feeling of uneasiness and sensitivity sticking to his skin and deep to his core that only some other pills could cure. He sighed, threw his head back and went back inside.

It was really a short period rest. Tadashi was now head-first into his bag, frantically searching for something to calm his now intensely shaking body.

_Shit. Shit. SHIT._

He started scratching his forearms, trying to calm himself and when he finally reached the pack of powerful sedatives only to find that it was empty.

“Are you kidding me? Oh no seriously? No?” he started sobbing and threw the box across the room. “I went to the pharmacy yesterday and I completely forgot I ran out. No…”

His shaking intensified and he started crying. He was used to take pills. With them he came to learn that he was invincible against whatever chemical glitch happened in his brain once in a while. Without, he was lost.

_I have to buy them, now!_

He ran to the door but it was locked, he searched everywhere in the apartment in vain. No key to be found.

“He locked me up inside, Tsukki why did you lock me in without telling me?!”

He was sulking and giving punches in the air before falling on his ass.

_I feel bad, I feel so bad, holy shit it’s actually been a while since I…_

He sprinted back to the room and took the pack of prescribed painkillers.

“That should do.”

 

Tsukishima’s day was rough. Because of the arrival of a patient with an unknown pathology, he had to constantly run around in the hospital to get in touch with the laboratory and his nagging boss. Next to that, he had his daily surgeries to proceed. He also spent the day worrying about his stupid behaviour of the previous night. He wanted to act professional but suddenly forgot how to. He was flustered to see the other in this state and got carried by some kind of mystical force in the process of examining him. He touched him and it just felt nice. He then kept hiding into the kitchen to think about it, this horrible green room, unable to face him. He did not want him to get into his life but it was like unavoidable now.

He finished off at midnight and his first thought was hoping Yamaguchi ate dinner and did not wait for him or anything stupid like that.

He came back to his apartment and everything was as quiet as usual, he assumed that his guest was already asleep. As a precaution, he went to the bedroom to check on him. Yamaguchi passed out on the floor, the box of pills in his hands. Adrenaline ran to his head.

“Yamaguchi? Oi, Yamaguchi?!”

He kneeled next to him and shook him a little but the other did not recover consciousness. He took his pulse to assure his heart was still beating. It was weak but he was still with him. He imagined quite well what would have happened if it wasn’t the case. He rested his head on his chest, relieved.

He called the emergency and soon, he was back in the hospital he had just left. He stared at the red light of the emergency room and he squeezed the empty box of painkillers in his hand. Every now and then, a nurse would walk in the corridor and notice him and bow to him respectfully. Externally he looked rather calm because as a doctor he knew Yamaguchi’s life was not in danger anymore. Internally he was a mess because, God, this happened into his home. He could have been here and prevent it.

And did he try to kill himself in his apartment? Was it some kind of curse, a vengeance? Did he want to hurt him?

_Success. I’m hurt, to say the least._

He didn’t remember the last time he was so scared. Because, yes, as much as he tried to convince himself of the contrary, he cared about Yamaguchi Tadashi, even if he didn’t know him that well anymore. This night woke him up like a cold shower and hopefully put an end to this ridiculous cold act. Yes he was aware that he was ridiculous. But Yamaguchi also did something totally reckless, he could not let that slide and he had to tell him no matter what.

It did not last long until the ER light was turned off and Yamaguchi was transferred to the recovery room. Since he knew where it was, he directly went there to talk with the doctor.

“Oh it was nothing,” he said. “overdosing these painkillers can cause dizziness and loss of consciousness because of a low blood pressure…But in his case, nothing severe, even if it could have been worse…”

Tsukishima stared at the man, waiting for more explications.

“Erm, and we found in his medical report that he was under sedatives and other stress relieving substances. We suppose it’s safer to associate this behaviour with this rather than saying that he took it to produce the aftereffect.”

“I see. Can I go see him?” he asked, about to enter the recovery room.

“Wait, Tsukishima!” A woman’s voice made him stop in his tracks, clench his fists, breathe out.

Stay calm.

“Dr Shinohara?”

She laughed mockingly. “I can’t believe this. You lasted a little bit more than 24 hours. Good thing I never asked you to take care of my cat.”

“This is not funny. Why are you here?”

“I heard the nurses talk about how you were waiting near the ER, I took time to visit you. What happened?”

“He overdosed the painkillers that you prescribed him.” He handed the half-empty box to her.

“Well? I also prescribed a maximum daily dose to go with it, and I left him in your care, I did my job.” Her tone was voluntarily challenging.

“You didn’t report me that he was…!”

“He was what? All I prescribed was 100% compatible with any other kind of medicine he could have been taking. It’s not depression anyway, I checked. But more importantly, why are you blaming this on me?

_Because you decided to dump him on me like this, all of a sudden, when I was still recovering from a personal trauma and I wasn’t prepared at all and I am a mess, thanks to you._

He kept quiet because he was too proud.

The woman crossed her arms and sighed to show off her irritation. She threw a glance at the room’s door and looked back at Tsukishima, right in the eyes.

“I’m confused.” He declared simply. Rather than it being about a precise thing, it was general confusion setting up in his mind.

“About what?” she asked. “Your qualification to work as a surgeon in this hospital? Your capability as a doctor?”

Tsukishima furrowed his eyebrows and started to feel slightly self-conscious. “Well…”

“Don’t worry about it. You’re one of the best surgeons I ever had on my team. But…” She smiled softly and turned her heels, putting her hands in the pockets of her long white gown. “As a friend, you definitely suck.”

She walked away and waved her hand without knowing if he would see the gesture or not.

Being told this by his boss was extremely humiliating. He entered the room at last to see Yamaguchi awake with a dull look on his face.

 

“Who told you it was a good idea to substitute everything with painkillers?” He asked, trying to use a more concerned tone than before but failing to sound friendly.

The whiny apology he expected from Yamaguchi didn’t came. In contrast, he got a firm and reproachful voice yelling at him.

“Why did you lock me up in your apartment? Are you crazy? Is that what doctors do? Lock people up?”

He wondered why everyone was blaming everything on him. He did not mean any harm when he left his apartment in the morning, locking up the door like every other day. It shouldn’t have this many consequences, yet…

“I didn’t really think about it you know. You were asleep, I left the home, the usual.”

Yamaguchi tugged on his shirt and bawled at him, hiding his eyes with his other hand. “Except that it was not the usual! I was there! It’s your fault, dammit.”

A nurse entered the room at this moment and Kei asked. “Are you going to keep him here for the night?”

“It’s better because he’s still weak from passing out, and we want to keep him under observation until he’s completely recovered in case of another delayed aftereffect. He’ll be free tomorrow morning.”

“I see.”

Yamaguchi started sobbing and he tugged on his shirt once more with a febrile hand. “Tsukki, I’m so sorry, I felt really really bad and I panicked, and before I knew it, I already had taken this many pills, sorry…”

There came the whiny apology. He sighed but didn’t held any hint of anger in his voice. “The day after tomorrow is Saturday, it’s a day off for me. We’ll set this clear then.”

Yamaguchi sniffed and nodded and he left the room.

After that, he filled a hospital admission document and negotiate to stay in a guest room for the night because he was way too tired to take his car and just ride home. He worked early in the morning and had to perform a lung transplant surgery, followed with some more work – another rough day.

 

Once Yamaguchi was free to leave the hospital in the morning, he bought the sedatives he was supposed to take the day before at the pharmacy nearby and waited until Tsukishima had finished his work. He felt empty and desperate, and regretted having thrown a tantrum when he was the one who collapsed in the other’s apartment. His already thin hope of reforming ties with his old friend had been annihilated.

However, the surgeon surprisingly didn’t wait the end of his worktime to pick him up, he drove him home during his break and left the key to him, gently asking him to stay there unless it was necessary. These were his only words and Yamaguchi could not even bear looking at him in the eyes. He felt stupid. Stupid and glad, because the incident seemed to have drawn Tsukishima Kei closer to something he was familiar with.

He didn’t touch the fridge, he stayed on the small balcony all day, until the sun declined in the urban sky. He took his precious medicine when he had to and did nothing else but think about proper words of apology and, just in case, he prepared his bag to leave if the other asked him to.

It was nearly ten when Tsukishima came back. His greetings sounded a bit forced and exhausted. Yamaguchi ran into the living room without a word and saw him letting himself fall down on the large sofa. He was closing his eyes and it almost looked as he fell asleep right on the spot but he patted the empty space beside him. Yamaguchi sat down and stared at his closed eyes.

“I’m sor...” he started.

“I’m sorry about yesterday.” Tsukishima cut him off. Yamaguchi’s eyes widened. He didn’t want the other to apologize for that, he was the only one at fault. “I should have known this was a problem, it was inconsiderate of me not to leave the key to you.”

Yamaguchi clenched his fists and he was unable to keep the same calm attitude as the other. “Don’t be sorry, I totally overreacted, I was in bad shape but I real…”

“For now on I will try to be a better doctor.”

Yamaguchi froze and made a confused face. This was not the point and he thought that he had figured out as of now that this sort of role play made both of them feel uncomfortable. At least that’s what he believed. He had stopped being dishonest.

“And a better friend, too.” Tsukishima breathed, opening his eyes. “I want you to tell me…I want to know what happened to you during those four years.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fiiiiew. So, I don't know if you already had this feeling of not wanting to cross some boundaries with people but like...regretting it afterwards? Because you've been borderline mean? Well that's all Tsukishima's problem. He just doesn't know where the line is. And Yamaguchi is super confused but this poor guy has seen enough ok...i guess he was not too sad in this chapter. I guess. ...probably. 
> 
> See you soon!


	5. Nothing has changed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maaaan. Because of the heat wave i couldn't bring myself to sit at my desk and write, i'm really bad dealing with that...and then i left for a vacation so hm...sorry. Even if I'm not at home, I'll try updating it. I'm ...bad with deadlines.
> 
> If you're wondering about the colour of Tsukishima's kitchen, it's [this](http://obviousplant.tumblr.com/post/121284665608/renamed-paint-colors) (the last one haha).

Yamaguchi smiled this genuine smile again. It was refreshing for Tsukishima because, no matter how troubling it was, he couldn’t get enough of it. The first time he saw it after four years, it felt similar to opening a scrapbook. How come he would even try to convince himself that he did not care about the other?

Yamaguchi averted his eyes in a bashful manner after a while, probably embarrassed by the long lasting eye contact.

“Tsukki” he said in a posed voice. “You promised me a proper meal, I’m kinda hungry…”

“Oh, yeah, right…”

He was not sure if Yamaguchi was avoiding the subject or if he was starving since it was already past ten. It was true that since he was hosted he had only eaten instant noodles, leftovers from the fridge and a somewhat fair lunch from the hospital. And it was also true that he told him he was going to make him a proper meal, which was indispensable for a full health recovery. Yamaguchi still looked weak and tired and what had happened the day before did not help at all.

He left for the kitchen again to find the bag of groceries still laying on the floor since the previous night, meaning Yamaguchi had probably not even entered the room. He lazily stored the products in the cupboards and fridge, hoping they would still be consumable and kept what he needed to cook on the counter. Cook. The word sounded strange to his ears. Seeing the vegetables and kitchen utensils before his eyes, he felt a lot like a non-musician sitting at a piano.

He didn’t know what to do with them, he didn’t think about it. He felt like he really should have. He crossed his arms and covered his mouth with his hand, contemplating. It’s almost as if he forgot where the plates where. Yet there was no stake, just his pride.

_Calm down, for God’s sake._

He could perform several surgeries in a day and always keep his calm no matter how risky it was but cooking for a friend made him irrepressibly anxious.

“Tsukki, are you okay?” Yamaguchi called from the living room, probably worried about not hearing any sound emitting from the kitchen.

Perhaps also worried about him hiding in the kitchen to not have to face him, again. But no, he was actually just facing his lack of cooking skills.

“I’m fine, just…wait a little bit more, will you?”

“Alright…”

 

Yamaguchi snuggled into the couch in a strange position. His tummy made all sorts of grumbling sounds. He felt bizarrely happy to have the other cook for him. Happy about how much progress they made in two days. Well, he did pass out before it happened.

He thought of joining him in the kitchen but figured they should take smaller steps in the process of recapturing their friendship, furthermore Tsukishima did not seem to be the type who liked this kind of antic. Cooking dinner together was more of a couple thing anyway. Yamaguchi wondered if Tsukishima used to do this with the ghost woman.

It took him approximately fifteen minutes before coming back in the living room.

“I am sorry but it won’t be great. I don’t even know if you can call that “proper”. Next time I’ll buy something directly from the caterer.” He declared, intertwining his fingers shyly just like he used to do as a reflex back in High School. 

Yamaguchi did not think he would witness that ever again. He had High School Tsukishima Kei right in front of him.

He stayed in awe before laughing a little. “It’s okay. Seriously…and I could eat anything right now.”

“If you say so.”

It took him another couple of minutes to bring the tray on which were set two plates of raw-looking vegetables with grilled pork and a bowl of rice. “Yes, I know. And it’s probably too salty.” Tsukishima commented when seeing Yamaguchi’s perplexed face before he could say anything.

“Even feeding me hospital food, doctor?” Yamaguchi joked.

“I have to admit this was not the intended effect.”

He put the tray on the table and sat in front of him, resting his head on his palm.

“But Tsukki, does that mean you can’t cook?”

Truthfully, he could not believe it. Mister perfect life was showing flaws. Cooking could be a great way to repay for his help, he thought. But he had to ask him his favourite dishes before...

“I never took time to learn and practice, I know the basics, I just can’t make sophisticated dishes even with a recipe. As you can see…”

“Does that mean that I am better than you at something? Cool!”

“I guess? Why do you seem so proud about that?”

Maybe Tsukishima was so above him that he did not even see how much of a failure he was. He was still eyeing him with those cold and intimidating eyes, obviously not from anger but still frightening enough for Yamaguchi to stop talking freely to him.

“Nevermind.”

Tsukishima was not detaching his gaze from him now and played with the chopsticks.

“I understand now that the doctor/patient relationship couldn’t really stay as so the moment I took you home. We can’t work on that kind of dynamics. We need to start off as friends. Though taking someone home was an exception, because of your physical state…”

“Figured out as much.” Yamaguchi laughed and started eating. What the surgeon said sounded more like an explanation to himself. “I-it’s not that bad.” He added to lighten the mood.

_You say “friends” but you’re still pretty damn cold._

“Thank you.” He ate a piece too.

Yamaguchi smiled and thought about the “real Tsukki” he witnessed a few minutes ago, and what could make him break his wall once and for all. Should he try warming him up? By being hot? Somehow his thoughts always converged back to this. He bit the inside of his cheeks.

“By the way, you need to take your medicine. Did you feel any evolution?” It was a rhetorical question he seemed to be using quite often.

“Yes, I feel less feverous and I don’t get pain peaks in my head like it’s going to explode.”

“That’s good. You have to continue until the symptoms are all gone. I should try it, this horrible kitchen made me feel awfully nauseous.” He sighed.

Yamaguchi took the various pills and offered a food complement to his friend. He stopped thinking that had become more muscular, that was wrong, he was definitely thin. Tsukishima had hollow cheeks, bony hands and a slightly arched back caused by his abnormal height but he still managed to look eerily handsome.

“I think you should try that too. If you only eat instant stuff and semi-raw vegetables.” He said without thinking, forgetting he was talking to a health specialist.

“I eat plenty enough.”

Yamaguchi smiled and nodded. He didn’t say a word, flustered by the other’s assertiveness. They ate the rest in silence. After putting away the dishes, Tsukishima brought back medical supplies from the bathroom.

“I’m going to change your bandages.”

“Ah, yes, this…”

The doctor undid the used bandage and checked on the wounds under it. Because some were still seeping slightly, he disinfected them carefully.

“Does it hurt?”

“It stings.”

“You’re used to that, aren’t you?”

Yamaguchi jolted at the unpleasant way of wording it. “Uh…”

“Some of your wounds from before have been neglected and will leave permanent scars. Especially the one on your shoulder. I was observing it the other day.”

“Most of those are just bruises, though. It’s no big deal.”

Tsukishima raised an eyebrow, changing his overall neutral expression to a judging face. It was unsettling.

“Finish this and let’s talk about this tomorrow. I am really tired.”

All he could do was urging him to finish to avoid being flustered for nothing again. Tsukishima progressively covered his chest with the bandages. His fingers still touched him gently but it burns, they are like cigarette butts leaving holes on his skin. This time he could not ask the other to stop. He closed his eyes and shivered but Tsukishima didn’t even seem to care. He kept his eyes shut when the other finally stood up.

“It’s over, now. I've wanted to find my place somewhere for a while, now. I’ve always had a hard time doing that…” Tsukishima grumbled.

Yamaguchi looked up to him, confused. It was not the first time he heard him blabbing to himself and it didn’t make much sense most of the time.

“Anyways” He ruffled Yamaguchi’s hair gently. “Let’s go to sleep, I want you to rest well.”

The shorter man nodded and ran to the bedroom to collapse on the bed, sighing.

 

Yamaguchi woke up anxious. Kei could see it on his face as well as his gestures. He witnessed him taking his pills in the early morning and wondered if the fact he asked about his past was the cause of it.

They went to a small coffee shop in the morning. A quiet place where they could sit on soft armchairs and relax, and not worry about being heard because the closest table was a few feet away from them. It was almost the same intimacy than home, except that the environment was different. Tsukishima wanted to find the cosiest place possible so Yamaguchi would not feel awkward but he knew he failed when he heard the other complaining about bringing him to such an expensive place.

“Tsukki, if I tell you this, you’ll have to tell me about your life too. I don’t want it to be one-sided like a psychologist consultation or something like that.”

He expected him to say this. But it was not a matter of psychologist, he just couldn’t watch his wounds heal calmly without knowing where they came from. After all, they were the reason why he let Yamaguchi into his life.

“Of course.”

_Just tell me._

Apart from that, no, Tsukishima didn’t care.

Yamaguchi took a sip from his drink – cappuccino with a lot of milk – and looked through the window. “Then I’ll start with the beginnings. When I left you on that day, I kind of figured from your reactions that I should pick myself up and do something about it.” He averted his gaze. “Not only finding a job but also repressing every emotion that had handicapped me all that time. No need to tell you this was fruitless but at least I was motivated enough to find a job and a new place to live and…well it was still NOT my apartment but I made sure it was not any kind of stressful situation.”

He turned his head back to Kei who was quiet, and continued. “It lasted for a year I guess. It passed really fast for some reason, the guy I was with was a literal sweetheart. We agreed not share a romantic relationship so everything was fine with me seeing other people, and he did the same. We were like close roommates.”

“He was okay with that kind of thing?”

“Of course? I mean, he was lonely at home so he said it was nice to have someone even if it’s not your lover.”

“Is that so…”

Yamaguchi arched an eyebrow and nodded matter-of-factly. “Yeah. It’s not like I didn’t love him but it was better this way for both of us because he would not have to suffer from my possible infidelities. Even if it's not like I'm a compulsive cheater, I just tend to get bored easily... And he wouldn’t have tolerated my Oikawa Tooru phase.”

Tsukishima spit his drink and interrupted him. “Your what.”

“I worked in retail and Oikawa would often come to the store and tease me until the day I decided to say something back to him so...”

“I know what’s coming.”

There was nothing more disturbing than imagining Yamaguchi with someone of the “opposite team”. Though High School was over since long, it still felt as if there were some barriers that could not be crossed. And he remembered Oikawa had a terrible personality. A toxic character, everything Yamaguchi didn’t need.

“Why does this upset you so much? He was so nice to me. He convinced me to quit my shit job and concentrate on what I liked, he motivated me to write more. I wrote my first children's book that year, Tsukki! I owe him my first success!” he was insisting on how proud he was about it as if it was his sole accomplishment in life. “My roommate encouraged me too, my friends from the bar too, it felt great! But then because of a relative’s death, my roommate had to move out. I really couldn’t follow him this far even though he told me he would have wanted me to come but I couldn’t pay for the rent alone either so I ended up with Oikawa.”

“Ew.” He didn’t try to hide his disgust.

“Tsukki...I somehow got really attached to him, alright. Because we didn’t make any deal of not involving any romantic relationship, for the first time in my life I became a loyal lover to someone who didn’t even see me as one. By the time I started writing my second book, he told me I was a big boy and that I could start being on my own. But I later understood that he said this because he wanted to get back with his previous lover.” He grabbed his head “This is a bit embarrassing. I fell down back to the starting point and lost all motivation, or rather, I was too stressed to work because I was angry at myself. I had to get my friends to help me finding a new place. I was in my Yamiguchi phase.”

“Yamiguchi?” Tsukishima found this nickname tragically hilarious.

“Since I started looking badly tired, all my friends in the bar called me that. “Hey Yamiguchi, dark clouds aren’t allowed inside the bar!” stuff like that. And it was two years ago. Remember, at that time, it seemed it was the trend for our old teammates to get married or something. Did you get to see them?”

“No. I was still busy with my internship in the hospital. I worked 14 hours a day, no room for a marriage.”

“Thought so. After, I used my money to see a psychologist who gave me those pills I’ve taken since then, whenever I get through stressful times. My psy was an idiot but his medicine was fucking miraculous. I wrote my second book and it got also successful. And I got an affair with my editor…let's call him Ryuuta.”

“Well. Unexpected.” For some reason, Tsukishima knew this was when the story was turning bad.

“S-Shut up. I had reasons to think our relationship could work out!” Yamaguchi stuttered and almost choked on his drink. Tsukishima didn’t exactly want to anger him. “I was feeling better and somewhat more mature, I had a stable occupation, he is 10 years older than me and I thought he could handle my frivolous nature…what a weird way to put it. Well. Not at all. We lived on cloud 9 for a few months and then I noticed how jealous he got over every single detail, even I wasn’t doing anything. He told me he wanted to lock me up so I would write my third book faster. After I did, it stayed the same. So I learned how to do housework to kill boredom because going out with friends was a no go. One time he got angry because I was getting texts from friends and broke my phone, I lost all my contacts from High School. It got worse when he got promoted at work, he couldn’t handle the pressure, he would drink from time to time and use me as a stress reliever. I can’t believe he was such a shitty man.

“The first time he beat me up, he said I was the reason of his food poisoning. It then happened regularly after that, sometimes without any reason. I still loved him very much, he kept me hooked with his kindness afterwards by taking good care of me, of the wounds he caused himself. “I’m sorry about this Tadashi, you still love me, right?”” Yamaguchi wiped his tears quickly. “I really wanted to believe in him. I wanted us to get past this together and I also felt like I was taking care of someone sicker than me, who needed me. Do you think he was manipulating me?”

Tsukishima just stared at him with a blank expression on his face. How would he know? How would he fucking know about it?

“Nevermind.” Yamaguchi chased the question with his hand. “What woke me up from this nightmare was loneliness…Hell, it was just a small mark on my neck but he went totally berserk. I realised the difference it made when he had a real reason to be angry at me. We were in the kitchen, he grabbed the nearest knife and threw it at me. I don’t know if it was aimed to touch me but I couldn’t dodge it and it sliced my shoulder.” He showed the scar and shook his head. “I don’t exactly remember what happened next but that’s also that day the rib happened. It took me quite some time for recovery during which the rational part of my mind understood that this couldn’t go on. Once I felt good enough, I gathered all courage and common sense I had and told him everything that was on my mind, clinging to the last strand of hope I had that we could go back in time but his reaction showed me the opposite. It left me these wounds under the bandages.” He tried to add a storytelling tone to his voice to make it sound like an exaggerated joke.

“And you escaped, at last.”

“I filled my bag with my favourite clothes, drawing and writing supplies and basic survival material. I stole as much money from him as I could and since I had savings on my own, I thought of finally renting a place for myself but I started feeling really sick and I had to go to the hospital before I could. Now I’m here.” Yamaguchi closed his eyes and his mouth trembled and curved into a smile. “Thank you, I feel safe now.”

Hearing him thanking him again felt oddly wrong to Tsukishima. He pulled him into a distant hug. “No need to thank me. It’s only a week after all.”

However with this proximity he understood clearly that this wasn’t only physical recovery that his friend needed but mental also. And maybe a week would not be enough to put back the pieces that had shattered little by little over the years. It probably had already started four years ago. No, back when they were still kids. He was always the one to save him, to pick him up. Nothing had changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked? I'm not exactly feeling well about this. I'm sure I left a bunch of gramatical errors...  
> Also, so story is going really slow pace, I want to emphasize on the rebuild of a friendship (love?) relationship more than anything.
> 
> Yams is a survivor. I know Tsukki is no Mother Theresa so it's kind of weird for him to take care of someone like that...but since it's his friend, it's different.  
> Next, we'll learn about Tsukishima's tragic love story. See you.


	6. (shy) Helping Hand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I said I was not satisfied with the last chapter and i can guarantee you this one is much better. Violence warning (I guess it's not too graphic but it's still more than what I implied earlier in the story...)
> 
> Yams is not free from his past, Tsukki is becoming a cutie pie and tries his best to help him. Alsoin advance I'm sorry, Tanaka's fans, really. Sarah if you ever read this I'm sorry. (I'm laughing)

“It’s all….kinda pathetic, isn’t it?”

Yamaguchi rubbed his face with the palm of his hand and sighed. Quite honestly Tsukishima could have said that. In a very literal way. Yamaguchi’s story inspired pity, from the beginning to the end. Compared to him, his moments of doubt, sadness and sorrow could be regarded as mere whining. His worries were nothing in comparison of a life of daily violence.

“None of this is your fault, you know that?” He declared finally.

He lowered his head and looked at Yamaguchi over his glasses, expecting some kind of reaction. After a while staring at the table the latter shook his head in defeat.

“I don’t know.”

Tsukishima raised his hand and called the waitress. He paid for both drinks despite Yamaguchi’s protest.

“Tsukki, I told you I have money!” he said, tugging on the sleeve of his vest.

“Consider this a welcoming present.” The other explained while walking down the street at fast speed.

Yamaguchi had no other choice but following him. “Where are we going?”

“Buy new clothes and a new suitcase. Time to spend your money” He looked around, trying to remember where the clothes boutiques were. “Because you will not come back to this guy’s house, you don’t own more clothes than what is in that travel bag of yours. So you probably need to go shopping…I guess.”

Without even being totally convinced of the necessity of a shopping session himself, Tsukishima still wanted to distract him from his demons. He was the one to ask about his past but he did not want to face the awkward feeling of having the other permanently thinking about his unfortunate past all day long. As Yamaguchi feared, it did end up as a one sided psychologist consultation because Tsukishima didn’t want to brag about his “successful man” life and cheesy broken love. It seemed indecent.

They shopped all day long, only stopping to eat lunch in a small traditional restaurant, they talked about small nothings, weather, life in Sendai, what Tsukki does on his days off.

“Not much, usually. I read books or watch TV. Sometimes I go to the movies. You know my life is not all that interesting outside of work.” He said, voluntarily omitting that he had tried to get used to singlehood since two months.

“Don’t you get a little bored, alone?”

_Haha._

“My brother thinks so and he has visited me every now and then with my niece so we can play together.”

“Your niece?!”

“Ah, you wouldn’t know. My brother and Tanaka Saeko, they had a kid and got married two years ago.”

“Oh gosh.” Yamaguchi’s head almost fell in the food he was so happily eating. “there must be so many things I don’t know. It makes me so nostalgic…I need to catch up.”

“I’ll try to help…”

“Now you and Tanaka senpai are brothers-in-law? You must see each other often at family gatherings, is he well?”

“Not currently, he’s in jail.” He deadpanned.

“Eh?”

“He has never been lucky with women. It seems that his last girlfriend was also a Yakuza’s ex. I don’t know the details but he was involved in shady stuff.”

Yamaguchi looked surprised but he was amused by the tone Tsukishima used to describe the situation. The latter continued the same way about Hinata and Yachi who had also their first child and who were so overworked that they went to ask him for advice as a last resort before child assistance. He talked about the married couples, Daichi and Yui’s romantic idyll and how Nishinoya saved Kiyoko from an arranged marriage as well as what echoed to him of Asahi-san’s life as a salary man.

“I know Sugawara left for America but that’s all. You guys were rather close, have you hear anything?” he then said, suddenly remembering how the two stayed close friends even after the older left High School.

“We were close but we didn’t keep in touch either…”

“I see.”

He ruffled Yamaguchi’s hair. He wanted to tell him. “It’s okay, we’re going to see everyone again very soon and hang out as we used to! You’ll catch up properly once you see them!” if it could make him happy but that would have been an ugly lie because they were nothing but acquaintances to Tsukishima, now.

They spent the rest of the day in clothes stores and although something seemed off, Yamaguchi was a lot more enthusiastic than expected. They bought western food from a caterer before coming home at six.

Before eating, Tsukishima went on the balcony to smoke a cigarette and reflect on life as he usually did since he was alone.Thinking. Or maybe it was the opposite, he emptied his head from everything. Yamaguchi followed and sat next to him, looking intently at the object between his fingers.

“Why did you start smoking? You never smoke before…”

In Yamaguchi’s eyes, a surgeon’s life had to be as healthy as possible and it obviously excluded cigarettes. But Tsukishima had never seen it as deadly. Something that eased pain couldn’t be that bad, it was just a habit. He knew he was mistaken but he still wanted to explain his fucked up logic to his friend.

“You know you can die from smoking. But you can also die from stress, to some extent. I choose not to be stressed.”

Yamaguchi nodded and looked slightly worried. “What kind of stress did you have to face?”

_Don’t you dare worrying about me._

“Work and a painful breakup.” He summed up.

Yamaguchi was disappointed that he did not tell more but he simply pouted and looked away because he didn’t want to annoy him.

Tsukishima did not want to be cold but he did not want him to worry either. Not about himself and especially not about others.

_Just stop thinking altogether that would be great._

However, he still planned on telling him more details but later. For now, he couldn’t.

“Thank you for today, I enjoyed it a lot.”

It was nothing that enjoyable, in the end Yamaguchi had bought enough to fill a new suitcase and he paid by himself. Tsukishima thought it must had been a while since he did something like that.

They went inside and ate and then they watched entertainment programs on television all night.

 

 

“What is that? What is that, Tadashi, can you explain?”

Tadashi heard the familiar voice calling him but couldn’t see anybody. It had been a long time since he last heard this voice. He had wished that he would not hear it ever again, so, why now? He thought that had had run away, he wasn’t sure.

“What is that? Answer me little whore!” the voice repeated.

“Ryuuta-san, yes I can explain, it was really…!”

Ah, yes Ryuuta. This name rolled on his tongue as if it were the only name he knew. The person to whom he was the closest. The person who longed the keep him the closest possible, until exhaustion.

“What, whore? You come back home now, openly showing me the red mark on your neck, proof of your cheating, are you defying me? I accepted you all this time, helped you with your work, and that’s how you’re thanking me?!” His voice was getting louder. He banged his fist on the table Yamaguchi flinched, he knew what was coming and he had to defend himself.

“I’ve never cheated on you once before! Because I know very well such a thing makes people sad, I don’t do it, I stayed loyal for you! Yet all you’ve did was judging me on my past experiences and own insecurities, always worrying about every single one of my actions without trusting me!”

The scene was something Tadashi had already experienced. Although the atmosphere and situation were the same, Yamaguchi couldn’t have brought himself to say those things at that time. He had stayed silent and frightened under Ryuuta’s false accusations.

“Don’t give me that, you- you whore!” he bawled as if he forgot the other’s real first name. Suddenly his face became clearer. A monstrous man-beast. “You think that I didn’t notice the looks you gave to other men in the bar where you hang out? All this time you were wishing to be jumped behind my back, I’m sure! Now, you’ve got what you wanted.”

“That’s wrong! I’m not like that! Can’t you understand this is just a front I put on to feel more accepted! Along with the stories about myself, I also told you that I am a bit unstable, and you said that you would accept me!”

He was giving his all. Words were more and more difficult to come out as he started crying under the pressure. It didn’t change anything for Ryuuta. He grabbed a glass on the kitchen counter which seemed appearing before their eyes and smashed in on the floor.

“And I did! Look where it lead us! Do you think you are the kind of idiot worth being accepted?!”

It hurt. It really hurt.

“You did? Did locking me up and beating me up like a stress reliever really feel like accepting who I am as a person?! You too have a few screw loose don’t you?”

Now, this was something he had said at that time. He threw the harsh truth at Ryuuta’s face who somehow looked like he understood his misconception of “love” and “acceptance”. But it was far more subtle than that and Tadashi knew, probably, than since the beginning Ryuuta was perfectly conscious of what he was doing.  He was just playing with him, a mere toy.

“What are you saying, Tadashi?” his words and voice were softer suddenly and Tadashi almost fell back in the trap as Ryuuta extended his arm to him.

“Don’t come near me! Lunatic! Alcoholic!” Tadashi fought against the air. He was spectating this scene he knew too well, especially the end.

Ryuuta turned bright red and a vein was pulsating on his huge beast-like forehead. The sense of smell activated and Yamaguchi was overwhelmed by a strong scent of Whiskey and cheap Sake. And just like that, paralysed by fear, his body stopped moving.

Ryuuta grabbed the knife on the counter without hesitation. A massive sharpened knife generally used to cut meat and the simple thought of it being turned against him as a weapon made Tadashi release in his pants. His not-so-coherent thoughts were replaced by his thoughts of that night.

_Is he going to kill me? I’m going to leave without fighting? I thought that when my time would come, I would do it myself._

His first reflex was to cover his head with his arms and close his eyes. In a fast but clumsy motion, the monster threw the knife at him. It slashed his shoulder and left a deep cut before stopping itself against the wall. Tadashi knew he had to consider himself lucky, because the pain wasn’t too unbearable and because he was alive. Blood was flowing endlessly from the cut that Tadashi tried to hold closed, in vain. It was dripping in large puddles on the kitchen floor soon mixing with the tears rolling down his face, he didn’t even know he was crying. The metallic odour of the blood mixed with the urine to create a sickening smell making him feel nauseous enough to collapse completely.

Then, the blood flux grew stronger under his hand, progressively transforming into a rill and filling the room like a bathtub.

_This is a nightmare._

Ryuuta’s voice sounded more distant. He kept repeating his name like a chant as he kicked the poor victim on the floor. On that night Tadashi was only semi-conscious but it seemed that his brain had registered everything from the side-lines. Drowning into the red liquid, he saw his own body getting mercilessly beaten up by the enraged beast. It was just as painful to solely watch. He could hear an exaggerated sound of bones breaking and a Machiavellian laugh and he tried to scream to make it stop.

He woke up.

In Tsukishima’s room, in Tsukishima’s bed. There, the bright sunlight turned maroon through the curtains and filled the place with an eerie clearness, surreal, but he was getting used to it. Before, he had only dreamt about this incident twice. He thought this frightening memory would dissipate with time but it reappeared with the vivacity of an event which would have happened the day before.

His heart was beating incredibly fast in his chest after this forced wake. He clearly remembered the dream until the last second. Did he scream for real?

Tsukishima suddenly barging into the room gave him the answer.

“Are you okay?” his voice was hoarse hinting that he had just woke up.

Yamaguchi scrubbed his face to get rid of the dried tears at the corner of his eyes and see him better. When he moved, he felt the wetness between his legs. His heart sank, he stopped breathing for a few seconds and the heat crept to his cheeks.

_Oh God please tell me I didn’t._

He saw it on the sheets. Four years after the incident he kept secret at Tsukishima’s home, he had another “wet” dream in his bed. Oh the irony. He hid his face in his hands, feeling like crying again.

_I’m not a grown man, no way._

“I’m sorry Tsukki, can you please leave me for a minute?”

The taller man shook his head and dragged his feet to the bed. Seeing Yamaguchi’s eyes widen in horror he kneeled next to him in a gentle manner and took his face in his hands softly stroking the back of his head.

“It’s okay now, alright? Calm down.” He whispered. “I’m here.”

Yamaguchi nodded as to shake the tears out of his eyes.

_Can’t you see how pathetic I am? Am I not even worth your anger? You really don’t care._

He was anxious. He was expecting something. Hate, violence.

“Tsukki, I…just…leave, please.”

“Yes, I can see it. But I’m not angry.” He said calmly.

These words alone were enough to soothe the burning feeling in Yamaguchi a little. But not completely.

_Who is talking right now? The doctor or the friend? I’m a patient you have to calm before an operation? You do that for everyone because you have to. Don’t force yourself._

Yamaguchi didn’t even know where all this animosity came from. He couldn’t control his mood swings. He was anxious.

“I’m not angry” the surgeon repeated “and I won’t hurt you. Did I ever hurt you?”

Yamaguchi froze, dumbfounded. He was offering him a helping hand. It was obvious that he was trying to be a model friend, shyly, surely.

“No.”

Like a brief downpour his panic attack stopped leaving the sky to a bright sun after mercilessly devastating everything behind.

No need of pills this time, Tsukki did it, like a hero as always.

He rested his head on his friend shoulder until he stopped crying completely and Tsukishima didn’t move an inch.

“Are you feeling better now?”

“Hm.”

“Go take a shower, I’ll change the sheets.”

Yamaguchi did not answer and left the room, wobbling on his feet. He was not thinking about anything and his mind drew a blank for a few minutes. He was in the bathroom, staring at his face in the mirror, noticing that the bruises were practically all gone; it had been a while since he had such a clear face. He undressed mechanically and entered the shower. He turned on the hot water.

_Burn. Everything should burn._

The scars were still here but it did calm his nerves for good. In the bedroom, Tsukishima was probably in his half-asleep state cleaning the mess behind him. Putting the bed sheets in the washing machine and opening the window to air the room maybe using a fresh air bomb or something of the sort.

He let his thoughts wander to his friend while he felt the soapy water cleaning sweat and whatnot from his body. When he got out he felt refreshed without forgetting what had happened a few minutes ago, it did not feel nearly as important or as depressing than it did on the moment. He tied his hair into a bun and put a towel around his waist before leaving the bathroom to check the bedroom, possibly apologize properly depending on the situation. It looked like Tsukishima didn’t want to hear apologies and that he understood perfectly. That’s right, he had said it, he wasn’t angry.

Tsukishima was there, still in his pyjamas but he had put on his glasses. He was smoking at the open wide window, bent over the guardrail. Like this, almost half of his body was outside. The sky had turned grey and without the maroon curtain or the bedsheets, the room just looked incredibly dull and pale if not monochrome. For some reason, this peaceful sight was extremely appeasing for Yamaguchi. A twirl of cold wind flew in the room and he shivered, making the other notice him when he turned around. Tsukishima gestured him something with his arms and hands before finding the right words.

“Don’t stay here like that, you’re going to catch a cold.”

He expired the smoke out of the window and in the meantime, Yamaguchi grabbed his bag and left the bedroom.

Once he arrived in the living room, he heard a sound from the entrance. An unlocking sound. He froze in the process of dressing up like a very small and scared animal. The unlocking sound led to an opening sound and footsteps and instead of screaming in the face of the unknown, Yamaguchi could just stare dazed at the creature walking in. A tall and slim woman with long dark hair, the epitome of standardized modern beauty. She stared at his half-naked body with her black eyes, cold as crushed ice.

“Where’s Kei?” she asked without greeting.

Seeing that he was just staring and not answering, she arched an eyebrow and decided to call for the surgeon directly. “Kei! Kei, where are you?”

Tsukishima hurriedly ran into the living room and could not hide his surprise.

“M-Manami?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wasn't that good? I'm rather proud, i really enjoyed writing it. I don't experience "writing blocks" a lot but sometimes I get lazy...For this one, I wasn't! I tried to insert some "humour" haha... The story is dark but please don't take everything first degree...Hope you enjoyed (sorry again Tanaka's fans)


	7. Genuine Relationship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I took my time uhuh. This chapter is mostly Tsukishima centred, he talks over his relationship with his past love, that one OC you know... If I had to describe quickly her personality, slightly livelier and more selfish than Tsukki. A beauty. She understands people's mind but doesn't care that much about the feelings. She's trying to help though. Really. Enjoy!

Tsukishima looked at the woman in front of him in details. Her long and silky hair, her delicate arms crossed around her chest, her long legs covered by a knee-length ruffle skirt and finally, her dark eyes turning to him.

“I thought I’d pay you a visit because you have been rather quiet since we last saw each other.”

She didn’t hide the challenging tone in her voice but Tsukishima kept a straight face not to seem flustered by her remark. He locked eyes with her and shrugged nonchalantly.

“I guess I didn’t have much to tell you about.” He declared coolly. He was a lot cooler on the outside than on the inside. He didn’t know who he tried to impress with this attitude in this particular situation. Probably not Manami who looked slightly taken aback by this offbeat answer nonetheless.

“I thought that I would find you asleep at this hour, on a Sunday…” she mumbled, suddenly changing the subject and eyeing Yamaguchi suspiciously. “But I guess that for once, you made a change in your plans.”

“T-that’s…” Yamaguchi looked mortified by the way the woman was staring at him.

He tried to hide his body as best and hinted his embarrassment but her eyes were digging holes into him, passing through every layer of cloth, skin and bones to reach the core. She now looked like she was spacing out but Tsukishima knew too well she was reading and seeing through, because she was incredibly intelligent and that was yet another reason to fall for her, other than her goddess-like looks.

At that moment, he wanted her to stop looking at Yamaguchi and he didn’t know what feeling caused him to think this way. All he knew was that he felt the urge to push her away from him.

_This shouldn’t be happening._

What he thought was that Yamaguchi Tadashi and Takai Manami should have never met. They were two different parts of his life, two different worlds colliding in a same place. It would irremediably lead to damage all of them, especially himself and what was left of his stability.

_Please no._

He felt like he had to pick a side. There was no actual side to pick, more like a very subtle choice to make. Up until now, he had never made any irreversible choice; but no matter what he moved forward. This time too, he chose to stick to his principles and put an end to their meeting.

“What do you want?” he asked sharply even if he already had a guess.

She snapped out and turned back to him; she was smiling softly but her eyes looked like she had just won the lottery.

“Why don’t you introduce me to you friend?” she asked, emphasizing on the last word.

_Because I don’t want to._

“This is Yamaguchi Tadashi, my childhood friend. Yamaguchi, this is Takai Manami my ex.”

“Ex” sounded weird and unnatural even if there were not anything else to call it. Yamaguchi was slowly coming back to his senses and Manami nodded knowingly. He had told her about Yamaguchi a few times when they were still students but she had always seemed to dislike it, for sure she had not forgotten his name. His friend too looked like he perfectly remembered her name and he stared at her even more impressed, if possible.

“I see.” She said simply. “Now, I think you know why I’m here? I mean, it’s our shared apartment, it’s mine too.”

Kei knew but he was somewhat confused by her casual tone. “Yes?”

“And we had a deal to sell it as fast as possible so both of us would get our share or that you would buy the other half from me. As promised I gave you time to think about it but, I am sorry, I am starting to get impatient.”

The reason he made this deal back then was because it was too sudden for him to make a choice. Now, without having to think about it, it was rather obvious that it would not make much sense to stay there alone. “I guess so. Well, give me until the end of next week.”

_What?_

“What?” Her eyes widened. Yamaguchi looked to one and the other like a new born bird who would have just fell out of his nest.

Kei put his hand on his shoulder and squeezed it as to indicate he was aware of his presence. “You waited all this time, you can still wait for one more week.”

_What the hell am I even saying?_

Suddenly he was acting on instinct. It would not have hurt to give her the answer now, but for some reason – either to piss her off or something else – his brain categorically refused to say it.

“Yeah…for sure yeah. Then…” she looked around, hesitating. “Since most of these things belong to the both of us, I was thinking, as you get to keep the apartment, that I could bring some with me as a compensation.”

“Such as…?” He thought that the situation was not turning for the best and he could only blame himself.

“The couch, these cupboards and kitchen tools. It’s only things I need in my new place.”

In comparison to everything that was left she was not asking for much but Kei was already imagining the living room empty of its furniture. He sighed and gave in.

“Alright.”

She smiled more brightly and made her way to the entrance. She opened the door and slipped her head outside. “You can come in, guys!”

As soon as she said that, she got out of the way to let three tall and muscular guys in the apartment.

“What the…”

“Don’t be scared, they’re just here to help me moving out the furniture.”

Tsukishima pinched the bridge of his nose trying to hide his shame as the group of men invaded his privacy. “It was your plan since the beginning…” he exhaled.

“No, it was the plan C. You can be pretty tough sometimes, I only anticipated it."

“What does that even mean…?” he wondered how he had managed to handle this woman for four years.

“Uh, miss, about the kitchen…” one of the men started, gesturing the kitchen counter.

“I’m coming right away.”

Manami went with the man to give her directions. Tsukishima fell back in the couch and looked at Yamaguchi and noted that he took the opportunity to get changed completely. He still seemed quite shaken up by all of this.

“You know, even for me, this was totally unexpected.” He admitted.

“I still don’t understand what’s happening but from what I’m getting she’s your ex and she’s strange.”

“Except that’s not the point…” He could only laugh bitterly as he saw the woman leading the big guys to the bathroom.

“Tsukki…what happened with her?” Yamaguchi asked in an undertone.

Before he could answer, two men came in between them. “Excuse me sir, could you move from the couch please?” one of them asked with a monotonous voice. “Heave-ho!”

They both got up and stared at the empty spot soon made by the couch in the middle of the room. It didn’t look like a living room anymore; there was still a carpet on the floor and the TV but the single armchair around the coffee table made it look like a sample house. Tsukishima kept his calm despite the strangeness of the situation partly because there was nothing he could do at this point. Just watch her take her revenge for his two-months-long silence. However the young woman did not look like she was taking revenge at all, she acted as if it was the most natural thing to do.

 

“We came to the realisation that our relationship was not as flawless as it seemed. I started acting too distant for her liking and she left.” Tsukishima explained finally, keeping his voice low.

Yamaguchi rocked on his feet back and forth without looking at him. “This kind of thing happens so often to so many people, I think it’s better if it ends this way… though I understand how hard it must have been for you.”

Tsukishima was obviously very affected by it but Yamaguchi knew too well how a relationship meant to stop evolved when forced to last. It was actually the story of his life.

The taller man scratched the back of his head as if regretted what he had just said and then smiled cynically. “I guess you’re right. I mean you must know it better.”

_You got that right._

Yamaguchi could now write down another thing he was more experienced than his friend at, along with the cooking. Not that his experience had ever prevented him from making the same mistakes.

Manami walked past them, busy helping the movers. The second he saw her he understood that she was the ghost woman of the apartment. Her strong yet discreet presence was what remained in the bedroom. Moreover, her gracious gait looked like she was sliding above the floor, combined to her white skirt she was definitely similar to a ghost.

_Above all, the way she looks at people is totally freaky._

“Kei, there’s still something I want to talk about with you.” She notified once she finished stripping off the house of what she wanted.

Tsukishima sighed loudly and tried to hint how disenchanted he was by the idea. As childish as it may have seemed Yamaguchi also wanted this curious woman to leave them alone. After all, she didn’t seem to like him either.

“I’ll be back as soon as possible.” Tsukishima asserted.

 

“I can’t believe we ended up meeting up outside. You’ve got nerves.” Manami stated. She didn’t look particularly angry.

They went in a coffee shop at the mall not far from the hospital. Kei looked at her and did not let any emotion reflect on his face either just as before. His usual cold and calculating eyes hidden behind his glasses and his pursed lips built for him the greatest defence. The person who was such a big part of his life, whom he had missed so much that he thought he would never recover…He was now in front of her but it was everything but enjoyable.

“There is no need for you to look at me like that…” she smiled sadly. “Are you angry at my behaviour?”

He put his hand over his face and shook his head slowly. “Not really. I can’t judge you for that. But do you have any idea how much I suffered when you left? I went through something…I can’t even put a name on it. And now we’re going to argue over some damned furniture? Give me a break.”

He kept a straight face and he thought it was probably intimidating because she bit her bottom lip and nodded but he knew battling against for the neutral expression contest was vain.

“You’re right, Kei. However…I had no clue that you suffered this much.” She declared honestly and curled a strand of hair between her fingers. “Why would you?”

“Why, huh.” He hesitated before going on. It was now or never. “At that time, I was confused about various things. You did not wait for me to figure it out, you simply left.”

“Would it have changed anything, you think? Once you’d have it figured out, you would have left anyway. You cruelly distanced yourself from me and I thought you didn’t care anymore.” She suddenly stopped playing with her hair, visibly in a chatty mood. “To tell the truth, I fell for you because of the way you perceived me. I’ve been used to have people attracted by my appearance or intelligence but you seemed to like me for that side of my personality that nobody liked; that I am quiet and rather lonely. Thanks to you I stopped thinking of it as a defect. But you also pushed your unrealistic expectations on me in the end. I too can be selfish, you know. You are much nicer than I am not matter what you’re trying to show off.”

This is something the man would have liked to avoid discussing or even thinking even if he knew he had to some day or another. Of course this was true, she was not overthinking but he had a hard time accepting he had been mistaken all this time. And even more so lying to himself. For someone as committed to mutual understanding and communication, he felt quite pitiful.

“My only wish was to live a normal life but no matter how much I tried, something felt off. I couldn't even face you anymore nor could I spend time with you. My interest and yours were different.” He argued in order to finish the conversation.

_I felt guilty._

He hurt himself saying this, it was like admitting how much of an idiot he had been yet again she didn’t seem surprised. Both of them conceded their wrongs one after another like two excessively responsible adults. He would have never put his pride aside in such way before so at least it meant that they were getting somewhere.

“Maybe it was because of my expectations of you. It took me time to realise that you had a soft heart behind your attitude!” He grimaced when she said this but she continued. “I didn’t care if all you wanted was normal couple life with someone, our interests weren’t different. But my wish was that you would be unbreakable. Of course you are not.”

“You mean you didn’t care if our relationship wasn’t genuine?”

“Has anything between us ever been genuine, I wonder…”

She looked outside resting her chin on the palm of her hand. He was scared at how much she had thought over their relationship and all the things he constantly buried back in his mind. He wondered if she had found the answer long ago, when they were still together and if she had decided to keep it to herself. He was not resentful, he felt slightly stupid, beaten to his own game. To what extend was she right? He was pretty sure there had been sincerity between them at some point but it was long lost and it was awfully frustrating.

“As for me, I’ve been sincere for a long time. Should I apologize?” he ironized.

“No, it’s the both of us. We’ve been stupid. We rushed everything thinking this could work out this way, with only appearances and no real feeling. We have to be honest about it.”

“It’s pointless now.”

“Well think about it, we could start everything over.”

“And make the exact same mistakes? Don’t give me that after being the one who left.”

_Your laid back tone makes it all too fishy._

She laughed and leaned back.

“I’m glad you answered that. I have no intention of coming back with you.”

“What would have you done if I said that I wanted to give it a try?”

“Maybe I could have fell for it…Did you know that no matter how obnoxious you are, people get attracted to you?”

“Well…” He remembered that a long time ago, Hinata had said something along the lines.

“Besides, there is someone waiting for you at home.”

“I guess…”

“Since when do you pick up strays?”

He gritted his teeth in annoyance. They went outside so she would not bring Yamaguchi into the conversation. “Would you please not call him that?”

She ignored him and went on. “I knew this guy was something special to you. Your only friend before Kaito and I came across, is that it?”

“Not really…”

_Actually that may be it._

“Oh sorry.”

“He’s there with me for a week.” He stated before an awkward silence set between them.

“Let it be a fruitful week for the both of you. Hoping one week is enough for you to “figure things out””.

“What is there to figure out?”

“Who knows…” She shrugged and examined him with her eyes reflecting a mysterious gleam. Obviously she knew.

“Tell me.”

“You can learn a lot just by looking at people right in the eye. That is what you told me once, it was a remain of the time when you played volleyball I guess?”

“Tell me, what did you see?” he insisted.

“I won’t tell you more, that would be unfair of me.”

“Alright then, I guess we said what we had to say.” He concluded, standing up. “I’m going home.”

Her eyes went back to their usual coldness. She gave him a look showing that she knew he preferred being by his friend’s side.

“Wait! Take my keys, I don’t need them anymore. And since you left yours to him…”

“Y-you saw that?” Kei stuttered and blushed a tiny bit. Maybe.

 

When Tsukishima came back home from the exhausting talk, Yamaguchi was there and greeted him loudly.

“Welcome home Tsukki!!”

His voice resonated in the building corridor before Tsukishima could even close the door.

“Shut up Yamaguchi.” He said nonchalantly.

It came out of his mouth naturally but it felt like it had been an eternity since he had hushed him this way. Literally years. Strangely enough, it felt quite comforting to say.

“Sorry Tsukki~” Yamaguchi cheerfully chanted as he had just been given a long awaited reward.

“Why are you so happy for?” he asked even if he already knew, because it was probably the same for him.

Yamaguchi toddled off his feet, spun around and ran to the kitchen. “Nothing in particular!”

Tsukishima supposed that his friend tried to be the most complacent possible after what had happened in the morning. He was trying to be positive despite he had been the most affected by Manami's rudeness. Unlike the woman Yamaguchi understood that Tsukishima did not want the two of them to have any tie whatsoever.

Tsukishima could only think about what she had said at the end of their conversation. Mysteriously smiling about what she knew that he didn't. The guessing game was pissing him off. He should have been glad and relieved to have finally talked about the whereabouts of his love relationship but he wasn't satisfied the least bit.

"I went to the convenience store and I bought food, I'll be the one cooking for lunch, alright?" Yamaguchi claimed in an overly joyful voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go. So you've either loved her or hated her. I don't think there is an inbetween. Tsukishima will keep thinking about that for a while, it's going to torment him. But Yams is doing his very best to be nice and all so...hopefully he'll be alright? Maybe?? I don't know?? haha. Good bye see you.


End file.
